Shaun's Shit

To email me, click the envelope at the bottom of any page.

April Rant - The Coronavirus Rant Part 2'

First of all I'd like to say that the sound you can hear in the background is me eating humble pie!

I did a rant about Corona Virus a month or so ago in which I basically made a complete cunt of myself. Not as serious as SARS!!! Jesus, I should be apologising! Who knew this was going to turn into "The Omega Man."? (Or "I am Legend" or "28 Days Later" for younger readers or those with no taste).

Schools closed. Lock down. Millions losing their jobs. Thousands losing their lives. The psychological impact I fear will be even worse (not worse than losing your life obviously, it doesn't get much worse than that). The truly terrifying thing is wondering how many poor sods will be found dead and alone in their homes when this is finally over. If it ever is.

And, scariest of all, I've been watching (well, catching a bit of in the background while trying to write) ITV daytime TV. And I am absolutely sick and fucking tired of seeing the inside of z-listers mansions. All bought with money they don't deserve and built on careers that haven't involved an ounce of fucking talent. Hearing these cunts say they're "doing a video for the NHS" makes my blood boil.

These self promoting videos are done to keep them in the public eye during this lock down. No other reason. That true hero Captain Tom raised over 12 million pounds walking about in his garden and yet scum like Tamara Ecclestone are asking "ordinary" people to donate money (she managed to ponce a mere 600 thousand from her rich friends!). This cunt is worth 170 million. Her daddy (the reason she's never worked a day in her worthless, privileged life) is worth billions.

Why don't these fucking nobodies just put their hands in their overstuffed pockets? I don't give a shit about them making videos. I couldn't give a fuck if they're making cup cakes for the NHS! To the rest of the world and to "ordinary"people, this is a deadly pandemic, to z-list celebs it's a fucking Instagram opportunity.

You also know that publishers will be queueing up at the end of it to throw money at "celebs" so they can vomit out their "how I survived Coronavirus"/"saved the NHS"/"clapped for the NHS" stories.

Every hour or so one of them smarms onto the screen to inform us we can download their newest single/concert/podcast/video of their babies latest shit. And that all the proceeds will go to the NHS. That "I'm doing it for the NHS" litany from the mouths of z-list nobodies is becoming as familiar as "I was just following orders" from most captured Nazis in 1945. Take your time and your fucking barrel scraping skills and fuck off.

Don't "Give your time" one cares. No one wants your fucking time or your shitty self promoting video. Give your fucking MONEY to help fight this virus. You got your money dishonestly in the first place. You stole it because you have no fucking talent so give some of it back to help people who actually work for a living and actually deserve it.

Two words to every z-list cunt who thinks they're helping the NHS (and simultaneously sucking up the attention that is the life blood of the talentless) GEORGE MICHAEL. He gave fuck knows how much to help people and causes and no one heard about it until he was dead.

I would never give to anything if some fucking z-lister asked me but these cunts are taking it to a new level. Also, did we all really need a worldwide pandemic to make us realize how brilliant the NHS is? I don't think so.

In the spirit of trying not to go insane during lock down I've written a book (with Matt Shaw) called The Tainted Souls which is set during the Corona Virus lock down. Yes, it's topical. Some might say it's jumping on the bandwagon but anyone saying that can fuck themselves. If fucking Will Self had written it they'd say it was "immediate" "daringly contemporary" or "fiercely topical."

Anyway, get a copy and see what you think and just do anything other than listen to some talentless no mark whining about how hard they've got it self-isolating in their fucking mansion.

Apparently Sam Smith has been seen sobbing outside his mansion because he's finding things so hard. Altogether now... AWWWWWW...

Try isolating in a one bed flat with a fucking baby to look after and no garden, you cunt.

I think this lock down, if possible, has made me detest so called celebs even more.

So, don't forget folks, celebrities are called celebrities because they have no talent. Writers, artists, musicians, designers, actors, architects etc. are defined by their talent. Celebrities have no talent, that's why they're called celebrities.

The problem I can foresee with the end of lock down is that everyone will immediately think all this is over and that things are back to normal and a second wave will then hit us. But, I'm not an expert, obviously. Ask me how to write a book and I might be able to tell you a couple of things but ask me anything about this fucking virus and my knowledge is practically zero. So just remember that the next time some z-list cunt is being shown on TV giving their opinion on this crisis. They don't matter. They don't know. They're only after the coverage and the cash. And that is the truly obscene thing. When this is finally over there will be hundreds of thousands out of work and possibly homeless but these fucking celebs will still have their mansions, their fortunes and their undeserved sources of income. Let's just hope a few more of us will realize during this lock down that none of us need so called celebs and people will start to treat them with the contempt they deserve.

And a pig just flew past my window.

It's sunny out there. Cars are going past with appalling regularity. People are jogging and walking. Just another day in lock down then?

All of you take care of yourselves.

I'm going out for a walk (unless that's been banned too).

See ya (I hope).

p.s. I'm also convinced I've lost my sense of humour during this lock down (Shaun, you didn't have much of a sense humour BEFORE it...) Stuff that would have prompted a sarcastic comment or a derisive grunt from me is now causing furiously angry reaction!!! A virus that causes anger and fury... I think it's already been done... Sod it, there goes another book...

March Rant - aka 'The Coronavirus Rant'

I know it's serious. I appreciate we're all going to die of it and that the results might make the opening scenes of "28 Days Later" and "War of the Worlds" look trivial in comparison but, I am sick and fucking tired of hearing about Corona Virus!

I understand that Italy is now being treated like the country equivalent of Typhoid Mary, that Chinese restaurants are going out of business left right and centre but I would love to turn on a news bulletin and not be told yet again to wash my hands until the skin comes off or that another person has contracted it/died of it/got a bit of cough!

I'm not a medical expert. I know fuck all about how viruses spread. I might even have it and not know it but, please, can't we just ease up a bit? Thank Christ there wasn't TV during the Black Death. I can imagine some prick from a Reality Show on there talking about their bubos or fucking Bradley Walsh telling us all about rats from Siberia and fleas. And mark my words, Z-list celebs will be queueing up to tell how they think they might have the virus (and are battling it bravely). Or the first no mark to get it will get their own series.

Speaking of the Black Death, let's just compare the relative mortality rates of that and Corona Virus. Bubonic plague wiped out two thirds of Europe. Two fucking thirds!!! Corona Virus, we are told, is less lethal than SARS and, considering SARS was about as deadly as stubbing your fucking toe maybe we're all over reacting slightly (check out the South Park called "Red Man's Greed" to see how truly lethal SARS was...)

And, can someone explain to me why people are panic buying toilet rolls? Does contracting Corona Virus make your bowels collapse? (like Ebola makes you shit your intestines out?). Or are those responsible for the panic buying anticipating such a long period of "self-isolation" that they'll need an excess of Andrex?

I know many of you are probably thinking "Oh Shaun, this is unbelievably serious and we'll all be dead by the end of the month and I'm sure that's probably true but, getting back to mortality rates, compare Corona Virus to the Spanish Flu epidemic of 1918.

Corona Virus....a few thousand.

Spanish hundred million.

Fuck me. Now that IS a fucking virus.

Admittedly a dose of Corona is probably preferable to sitting through a complete episode of Loose Women but I'm still sick of hearing about it. What frightens me more is the possibility of football being cancelled (which it now has until April at least) and cinemas shutting down. And what comes after that? Will the internet crash? Will TV cease to be because no one wants to go into a studio with someone who might be infected? THESE are serious fucking considerations.

So, let's hope the virus just wipes out so-called fucking celebs and doesn't bother us mere mortals. A news bulletin detailing how the entire cast of TOWIE, Made in Chelsea and every other reality show had died of the virus is one I'd watch (and record). Until then, I hope everyone stays healthy.

Moving on to other matters, am I the only one who has seen "The Invisible Man" and been pleasantly surprised at how good it is? Admittedly the only similarity with the original is that the villain's name is Griffin but is is a very good film.

I've also seen "Like a Boss", "Doolittle" and "Sonic the Hedgehog" all three of which were fucking abysmal.

"Dark Waters" was reasonable but didn't pack the punch it wanted to.

"The Hunt" was tolerable but hardly original (think "The Hounds of Zaroff" meets "Open Season").

I'm looking forward to "Trolls World Tour" personally. I liked the first one and Anna Kendrick voices the leading troll and I fucking love Anna Kendrick, sue me!

Can you imagine her in an adaptation of one of my books?, neither can I but we can all dream can't we?

Right folks, look after yourselves. I'm off to buy bog roll....

p.s. Having just come from a Tesco with empty shelves I realize this is very, very serious in as much as dickheads with time and money to panic buy are going to cause more trouble and suffering than the fucking virus itself...

Take care all of you.