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I was trying to come up with a clever intellectual title for this page but then thought bollocks, if people wanted clever intellectual stuff they'd be reading Bret Easton Ellis (I don't fucking think...)
Anyway, this is me speaking to you, direct (well, sort of).
Want to ask me something? Click here.
Me again. I just noticed one or two things in the paper and it set me off...
Apparently, Peaches Geldof (that lisping waste of flesh and organs) has been caught on film taking drugs or buying drugs or something to do with drugs. But, and I'm sure you'll all be fucking delighted to know, she won't be prosecuted because of a legal loophole...what a fucking surprise; here's that legal loophole in full;
ANY SPOILT, TALENTLESS BRAT BELONGING TO SOMEONE FAMOUS WILL NOT BE PROSECUTED BECAUSE THERE'S ONE LAW FOR THE RICH AND ONE FOR THE POOR. THIS LAW ALSO APPLIES TO ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN IN HELLO OR O.K. MAGAZINE OR IS ON TV, RADIO OR ANY OTHER BRANCH OF THE MEDIA.
Wow, that's how it appears on the statute books apparently. Thought you'd like to know. It was that same loophole that stopped Pete Docherty going down for too long, that kept Paris Hilton out of nick (oh, my mistake, she did a day didn't she...) that saved Richard and Judy from a speeding fine etc. etc. etc.
Some woman in one of the papers apparently fears for Peaches...WHY?... If she o.d's that's one less leech in society. What is the fucking problem? Let's have a whip round and see if we can get enough smack together to speed the useless little twat on her way.
On a related topic, Paul Gascoigne, that well known mental defective and part-time footballer, is apparently in trouble again. The papers want us to feel sorry for him. All that fucking money he earned hasn't helped him, nor has possessing a God given talent and pissing it away like so many other footballers. Don't forget, this arsehole has also foisted Bianca Gascoigne on us, his step-daughter and inhabitor of shit reality shows like LOVE ISLAND...fucking hell, how much more do we have to take?
I've just got back from the pictures and had to, again, endure that shit advert with all the radio one DJ's on it talking about what kind of music they play...Now, years ago, no one cared what fucking DJ's looked like (where the hell do you think that phrase "a good face for Radio"came from?) but now, they want to be seen, they want to be recognised. They all want their fifteen minutes. Same with journalists. Why do we have to have little pictures of them over their columns? I read the papers to find out facts and opinions. What the writer looks like doesn't fucking matter. But, as usual, they want their fame too. It's not enough that people read what they write and they get ridiculously well paid for it...But, back to the brain dead twats at Radio One and that fucking advert. It features people like Tim Westwood throwing gang signs about as if he's a fully paid up member of the Wu Tang Clan...it also has some woman called Annie Mac in it talking (excuse me, but even remembering this makes me chuckle with derisory laughter...) about standing outside a club, "listening to the bass" and then, according to her, "get butterflies in your tummy because you know you've got a big night ahead of you." Oh, leave it out you silly cunt...A big night in a club? What's that? Trying to avoid being bottled by some drunken nob or, if you're a woman, attempting to avoid being vomited on by some oily little fuck in a flowery shirt who's trying to shag you while you dance?...
The DJ's tell us what kind of music they play in the ad...rock, drum and bass, singer songwriters (obviously a pretty short show these days..), dubstep...give me a fucking break. There are two kinds of music...ROCK MUSIC AND DOG SHIT...there you go and I didn't even have to work at Radio One to tell you that...
Talking of useless cunts, Geri Halliwell is signing her new kids book in Milton Keynes soon. You bet I'll be first in the queue...
"So Geri, in addition to not being able to sing, I see you can't fucking write either.."
Hey, get that security guard off me...
Gordon Brown's wife has got a book out. Kerry Catona's got another novel coming out. Jordan's new book is out. Is there anyone in the public eye who HASN'T written a fucking book? Meanwhile, I still get e-mails and letters from real people trying to get started in the publishing business. My honest advice would be don't even try but who the fuck am I to stamp on someone's dreams? It was just that when I started, talent seemed to count for something. Not anymore...Not in books, films, TV or anything else.
A little footnote to all this ranting is that, according to the papers, my mate James Whale has got sacked from his TALKSPORT show for advising his listeners to vote for Boris Johnson in the London Mayoral elections...a country of free speech, eh? Give me a fucking break...
I suppose this is a rant. No, fuck it, it is a rant. Just a word or two for Heather Mills basically...
You greedy, ungrateful, grabbing, selfish fucking bitch...
Jesus Christ, twenty four million and she's still not happy. What a fucking gold-digging piece of shit. It's a pity that motorbike didn't run over her fucking head instead of her leg...
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a great supporter of Paul McCartney (The Beatles were great but that's not the point here..). How can anyone not be happy with TWENTY FOUR MILLION quid? These fucking celebrities treat marriage as a career move, don't they? Same as the shit with Cashley Cole and Greedy Tweedy...She's so distraught about him shagging someone else where's the first place she goes? Divorce lawyer? Relate? Is it fuck. She goes to HELLO magazine... Same as these bastards who are depressed...(like Robbie Williams or Jordan or Kerry Catona)... I'm depressed, where do I go? A doctor? A psychiatrist? No, how about O.K. magazine... Fucking maggots...
And people still buy the magazines and the fucking books... Christ, no wonder Bill Hicks used to pray for nuclear holocaust every time he saw things like that.
Did anyone watch the SPORT AID thing? No, I didn't either... a few celebrities doing their bit for charity... How touching... Better idea. Why not hand over a tenth of your yearly earnings instead of trying to get people with real jobs to hand over their hard earned money? If Jonathan Ross, Ricky Gervais and half a dozen of the other publicity seeking twats involved in this kind of shit gave a percentage of their yearly earnings then we could clear the third world debt, never mind help some crippled kids.
Back to the Macca and Mucca divorce thing really. Apparently McCartney reckoned he had to sell the Beatles back catalogue to itunes to pay for the divorce... Give me a fucking break... What was wrong, Paul? Down to your last four hundred million were you, mate? Wondering how you were going to make ends meet... Jesus...
I think what set this off (apart from my inate hatred of all celebs..) is the fact that my very first literary agent Mr Bob Tanner died a couple of weeks ago. Bob was a real gentleman and, without him, I would never have made it (he also discovered James Herbert and published Stephen King in this country for the first time as well as having been Dean Koontz agent at the same time he was looking after me...) I didn't think I'd be so upset by it and looking around at all these fucking no marks just makes the loss of a genuine person like Bob even keener. If I still drank, I'd raise a glass or two to you Bob.
On a slightly different note, I've just walked in and heard on the radio that the various enquiries into the death of Princess Diana have cost us, the dear old taxpayer, about 30 million quid... Jesus Christ... couldn't someone have asked first... Personally, it's terrible what happened to her but SHE DIED IN A FUCKING CAR CRASH - GET OVER IT... I doubt if she was assassinated by MI5 or by the Royal Family. Thousands of people a year die in car crashes but we don't have to pay for the enquiries do we... The whole business of Diana's death, or rather its aftermath, just won't seem to go away. I remember watching her funeral and looking at all the sad fuckers lining the route and thinking 'Hold on, did any of you actually ever meet her'... No... I didn't think so... Why the obsession with a figure you have never met nor would have ever met (well, unless you had AIDS and she was in need of a photo opportunity...) why don't people live their own lives and stop obsessing about others around them, especially people who have no direct effect on them one way or the other... Jesus...
Right, just a quick word about films...
I've just got back from seeing THE COTTAGE... (shite, in my humble opinion...) also I've recently seen;
VANTAGE POINT - not bad but too complicated and too underdeveloped.
THERE WILL BE BLOOD - good but, Christ did the critics get carried away...
10,000 B.C. - A bit like One Million Years B.C. meets Quest for Fire and Apocolypto but basically pretty awful.
THE BANK JOB - not as bad as I expected.
THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL - Quite an achievement by the writer and director, they actually managed to make Eric Bana look boring...film is o.k. but, in my humble opinion, does nothing to convince me that Scarlett Johanssen could act her way out of a sub-standard episode of Neighbours...
UNTRACEABLE - Good idea but it wanted too badly to be SAW or SEVEN.
Right, there you go, a rant and some capsule film reviews...
See you next time I'm pissed off (so, about twenty minutes from now then...)