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I was trying to come up with a clever intellectual title for this page but then thought bollocks, if people wanted clever intellectual stuff they'd be reading Bret Easton Ellis (I don't fucking think... )
Anyway, this is me speaking to you, direct (well, sort of).
Want to ask me something? Click here.
Yes I went and saw the remake of STRAW DOGS on Friday and yes I hated the fucking thing with a passion, possibly even more than I expected to if that's possible and I'll explain why in just a minute ("Oh wow, we can't wait..." I hear you cry) but first I must just mention this other matter concerning cinema-going which I was quite staggered by. My local Cineworld has started selling booze from its concession stand. Yes, along with popcorn, hotdogs and nachos you can now buy yourself a glass of wine, a bottle of beer or any amount of those bloody stupid mixers in cans (like vodka and cranberry juice so you can get pissed and cure a bladder complaint at the same time, that kind of thing...). Now I know you'll think I'm just a miserable bastard who doesn't like people drinking because I no longer drink myself but that's not the case. I just happen to think this is one of the single most ridiculous ideas I've ever heard of! It's bad enough sitting in front of some twat with a tray of nachos in the pictures but the thought of sitting near someone who might be half pissed is appalling. Why the fuck bother going to the pictures if you can't go without a drink for a couple of hours? Fuck me, if they'd installed fag machines in the foyer people would be up in arms about it but yet again we're being told that drinking is fine even if it does lead to loutish behaviour and violence...
Now I could be wrong (fuck knows I am enough times about other things) but this has got disaster written all over as far as I'm concerned. You can't even drink during a football match for fuck's sake and you expect it there! The possibility of someone who's had a skinful lurching about somewhere in the ground is not so unexpected but the thought of someone disrupting a film because they can't handle their booze is beyond belief. Whether this is happening at Cineworld all over the country I don't know but I suspect it is. Apparently you have to be 25 to buy booze in there so that should also create problems for the staff as mouthy little fuckers under 25 insist that they are the right age and cause all kinds of havoc when they can't get served. What the fuck is going on here? What next in entertainment outlets, crack pipes on sale with each ticket? Bags of coke available with every large Fanta? "Now you're just being stupid, Shaun," you taunt. Well, maybe but for fuck's sake...there is nothing to be gained by this and everything to be lost in the whole cinema going experience in my opinion.
However, I would have been better off pissed while sitting through the remake of STRAW DOGS the other day. The fact that they dared remake such a masterpiece in the first place is bad enough but the theory behind it (as with most fucking remakes) is to come at the material from a different angle, update it, "re-imagine it" (God I hate that fucking term) or something but this version uses the same camera angles, the same editing techniques and many of the same lines of dialogue that the original had. It's even got a fucking man-trap in it (well, bear trap as this one is set in the deep South of America where all the characters still sport English names, the same English names they had in the original...) Avoid this fucking abortion like the plague. Don't waste your money just rent the original and watch it at home. I sat there tutting and groaning through most of it (no one was sitting near me thank God) unable to believe just how much it nicked from Peckinpah's classic. There's no ambiguity, no depth to the characters. It feels contrived and it misses the point completely. The original wasn't about a man finding his breaking point for fuck's sake, it was about a man who finally discovered the real nature of his personality, had to face it and didn't really like what he discovered. It was never a revenge movie!
That night I watched the original again just to remind myself of how brilliant it is and to try and wash this new fucking dog shit out of my mind. Having said that it'll probably be top film in the country by the middle of the week so what the fuck do I know? "Not much, Shaun, you're hopelessly out of touch with modern desires in cinemagoers," I hear you call.
Just one other thing...I went to see my mum and dad yesterday and as I went to sit down on the sofa what was lying there but a copy of CLOSER magazine, right on top of a copy of OK...Jesus Christ, my own mum is part of the conspiracy....when I walk in next week they'll both probably be dancing to the new Cher Lloyd single....
I haven't even seen it and I fucking hate it!
No, not the new volume of autobiography from Jordan the remake of STRAW DOGS! I know Hollywood has no imagination, no desire to do anything new and no balls but for fuck's sake, which genius decided that they had the right to try and fuck around with a masterpiece by one of the greatest directors in the history of cinema, Sam Peckinpah?
I've sat through the trailer three or four times at the pictures with my fists clenched. Yes, I'm that angry (no, Shaun, you're that sad, I hear you shout). I'd heard rumours for years that this abortion was going to be foisted on us (originally I heard it was to be directed by Jonathan Lyne who directed Fatal Attraction... ) but now it finally surfaces on Friday complete with its setting fucked up (America instead of Devon), its characters changed (he's a scriptwriter not a mathematician, she's an actress not a trophy wife) and no doubt more of the original's lines of dialogue nicked because the cunt who wrote the fucking remake knew he couldn't get near to the quality of dialogue in the original.
The whole point of the original being set in England was because David Sumner (the Dustin Hoffman character) was an outsider. He was a yank coming into a close knit, in bred community that his wife had once been a part of. Oh, fuck this, I'm not going to bore you all with details just watch this cinematic masterpiece on DVD and you'll see what I'm going on about. The new one won't have any of the complexities of the original or the ambiguities that made it a masterpiece. "Oh Shaun, how can you know that, you're so negative," you shout. "And besides, anyone has the right to remake a film even if it was by your favourite director so shut the fuck up." No I fucking won't! The whole Remake thing bores me rigid anyway and just shows how little imagination there is in the film business these days but when they start fucking around with my own personal favourites that's too much. I can just see the remake of BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA turning up next with Zac Efron playing Warren Oates part. Followed closely by the remake of THE WILD BUNCH with Robert Pattinson as Pike and Taylor Lautner as Dutch... .the shoutline for this new version of STRAW DOGS says "everyone has a breaking point. What's yours?" I'll tell you, sitting through a remake of STRAW DOGS that's my fucking breaking point...
One part of me says just ignore it, don't go and see it but the other bit (the stupid bit) says no fuck it, I want to see what they've done to it. So come Friday I'll be sitting in my local cineworld muttering and tutting all the way through, grunting in disgust when someone speaks a line ripped off from the original and generally doing a pretty fair impression of a miserable old bastard. "But Shaun, you are a miserable old bastard," you roar. Yes, I know but you know what I mean.
"Don't be such a fucking twat, you might enjoy it. God, you've made up your fucking mind before you even see it, you make me vomit you little fuckwit," someone said to me the other day.
"That's easy for you to say, mum," I replied.
Ah, well, we'll see. I might come out thinking it's better than the original. Yeah, and then go straight to Waterstones and buy the other four volumes of Jordan's autobiography...
Oh and by the way, just a word on a different film that's doing the rounds at the moment and that's ANONYMOUS. Some of you may have seen it or at least seen the trailers for it. The film that 'solves' the 'mystery' of who wrote Shakespeare's plays. The film directed by the guy responsible for GODZILLA, THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW and INDEPENDENCE DAY! Yes, this cinematic genius who has dumped some of the worst films in history on us has decided to fuck around with English history in an attempt to educate the fucking Yanks or at least try and get them to understand who the greatest writer in history actually was well, according to this latest piece of shit Shakespeare was an illiterate moron who claimed authorship of Henry V because it happened to be lying around and the crowd were shouting for the author at the time... all his plays you see were actually written by the Earl of Oxford then passed on to Ben Jonson for staging we're led to believe. Oh, and Elizabeth the First also had a couple of kids we never knew about... for fuck's sake.
I know the Yanks like to take liberties in films about history (witness U-571) and obviously this pile of dogshit was made to try and interest their moronic teenagers in a period of our history they would never be able to fathom from reading about it but I actually felt insulted when I came out of the cinema! Let's hope there's a British made picture on the way that shows George Washington to be a paedophile or that reveals the American Constitution was actually written by a couple of trained monkeys. Let's see how they like having their iconic images fucked about with. Avoid this crap like the plague.
But back to the remake of STRAW DOGS in the meantime. I'll let you know what I think after I've actually seen it. "Shaun, we don't care," you all bellow. I'm guessing the verdict won't be good. Never mind, I'll just have to wait for the next gripping instalment of the Twilight movies BREAKING WIND or whatever the fuck it's called. I can't wait...
So, it's Halloween and I'm a horror writer so I'm writing this on Halloween... fucking ingenious eh? This is the kind of thing that newspapers or magazines do. They get horror writers to write things on Halloween and romance writers to write shit on Valentine's Day etc. Amazing isn't it. I'm stunned by the originality of it all. The papers are full of people picking their top ten horror movies and no doubt PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3 will be top God help us... it's ok but that's about it. Mind you I'm sitting her with clenched fists (which makes typing harder... ) at the prospect of remakes of both STRAW DOGS and THE THING opening within weeks of each other. THE THING by the way is a fucking remake not a prequel as the ads would have us believe. It's a remake with a different flag over the arctic base and nothing more. The fact that anyone even has the effrontery to remake a Peckinpah film let alone one of his best is another matter... I will let you know how much I hate it when I've seen it. "But Shaun, they'll put a new modern spin on the story, you have to accept that things change..." you call. To which I reply, Fuck you. No one should ever have tried to remake that fucking masterpiece and I hope all concerned die in freak accidents involving mantraps! What next? THE WILD BUNCH re-made by Quentin Tarantino?
I've just got back from seeing a special Halloween showing of THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW at my local cineworld (another cunning link... ) where I had a horrifying experience myself. A few months back I think I mentioned that I had to move because some twat sitting near me had such foul smelling breath well, joy of joys the same cunt was in there this morning and this time he was talking to himself at the top of his voice again and occasionally singing along with the film! Well, that may be but I don't pay my entrance money to listen to some dickhead in the audience chuntering on. If it's not that its people on mobiles... for fuck's sake turn them off.
There's a new Orange advert which is a good idea but isn't working in practice, it's the one about the idea of Orange having "phone breaks" during a film so people can make calls... Now this is a reasonably amusing idea but for fuck's sake who told Orange's marketing department that the general public are ready for sarcasm and irony? Every time I've seen the ad half the cinema have groaned at the thought of this happening and the other half have rejoiced at the thought they might be able to use their fucking mobiles during the film at designated breaks! It's a fucking joke... one that might unfortunately become reality. I mean it must be infuriating for twats to go to the pictures and have to stay off Facebook, Twitter or whatever the fuck else they're on for as long as two hours... Why can't everyone just shut the fuck up for five minutes? There's too much shit being said by too many people. Speaking of which did anyone see the Shite Factor on Saturday?
I've got a fifteen year old daughter so I've got an excuse for being forced to sit through it right?...Well, it was the Halloween edition and believe me I found it fairly horrifying. I was horrified by the lack of fucking talent on show. Horrified by the thought of how much money the no-mark fucking judges were getting and also by the fact that one of them, the ever desperate wannabe Tulophelia or whatever her fucking name is has just launched her own perfume. How do you get the scent of chav into a bottle? Answers on a postcard...
But back to Halloween, that time of year (unnecessarily borrowed from the Yanks) when old people are terrified by youngsters banging on their doors dressed like something from the latest London Fashion Week runway show. A week later we'll all be assaulted again by the spectre of firework night (you know, the day we celebrate that someone tried to blow up our Parliament... why not try again this year I say but use more fucking gunpowder and fire some missiles at the House of Commons and let's use Cameron as the fucking guy, the idea of seeing that shiny faced twat on top of a roaring fire is a wonderful thought... ). So, next week it'll be like being an extra on the Somme as various displays go on and individuals decide to spend fifty quid on one big firework that goes off like a Scud missile and levels more houses than the average Uranium bomb. Oh, joy... A mate of mine was telling me he attended a firework "party" in someone's back garden a while ago where someone had bought one of these big fireworks which they saved until last. It was supposed to shoot about three hundred feet in the air then explode (bringing down aircraft and satellites in the vicinity no doubt) but what it actually did was rise about three feet in the air, then it veered off violently to one side where it hurtled through the French windows of the old girl next door and promptly went off in her living room! Stop laughing at the back...
I remember seeing my dad being chased up the garden by an "aeroplane" (a small firework with wings that they don't make anymore... ) when I was a kid and I also remember pointing a rocket the wrong way and sending it slamming into the roof of the house next door a few years back (fucking funny that was as I didn't like the neighbours... ) but there you go, Guy Fawkes I ain't... actually, wasn't he Spanish? Maybe we should all shoot tapas into the air next week to celebrate, or better still blow up tapas bars where people who've never been to Spain think they're sampling ethnic cuisine and being all cosmopolitan... twats...
Back to Halloween anyway. It was originally a druid festival wasn't it? (I know, I wrote a fucking book about it... Relics..) so the Yanks nicked it from us I suppose... my daughter wants to go out Trick or Treating dressed as Don Corleone from THE GODFATHER! My fault I suppose... Christ knows what she'll do if she knocks on a door and they don't give her sweets. I can see a few places nearby finding horses heads on their doorsteps in the morning. Ah, well, can but hope...
I don't know how many of you guys smoke but if you do I'm assuming you do because you've been doing it for years and that you're addicted/can't stop/actually enjoy it etc. etc. Same for those who drink. The reason I'm mentioning this is because I've just read yet another article about smoking and how people should give up blah, blah fucking blah... where are the articles about giving up drinking?
Some whining bastard goes on and on about second hand smoke, passive smoking, lung cancer and the usual bollocks and yet is there a word about the dangers of drunk drivers, being punched by some arsehole who can't hold his booze or cirrhosis of the liver? Is there fuck. Now I've never smoked in my life but to be honest I'm thinking of starting just to piss people off! The attitude towards smokers I think is fucking disgraceful. Speaking personally I'd rather be cornered by a smoker for two hours than a fucking drunk. I do not need some pissed nobhead leaning all over me telling me I'm their mate repeatedly and then vomiting in my lap... give me a smoker anytime. And all this shit about smokers reeking of stale fag smoke makes me puke (the idea not the fag smoke). I have known dozens of smokers in my life and have never smelled stale smoke on their clothes, breath, hair or any other part of their body... I have however, been repulsed by the stink of booze on people's breath and clothes and I'm speaking as an ex-alcoholic let's just remember before any drinkers start getting too fucking judgemental here...
Smokers don't lurch around pubs picking fights, they don't hang out in gangs in city centres attacking people on a Friday or Saturday night, they don't have punch ups for no reason because they're out of control... DRUNKS FUCKING DO! Similarly, to borrow a line from the late and very great Bill Hicks, "no one has ever killed anyone sitting behind the wheel of a car smoking a cigarette." Fucking right, Bill, they haven't...
Every single day adverts come on TV telling us all that we can get half price booze from Tesco/Sainsbury/Morrisons and that's supposed to be fine. If there was a similar advert offering half price Marlboro the fucking country would be in uproar. Cigars and Pipes are ok we're told. Oh, yes, they're acceptable. Why? Have you ever sat in a room with a pipe smoker? It must have been slightly easier to breathe in the execution chamber at San Quentin when they gassed people... but having said that I'd still rather sit with a pipe smoker than a fucking drunk. Cigarettes are the only way most people have to relax and relieve stress so leave them alone for fuck's sake and before anyone says the same about booze let's just run over this again. Drinking too much booze might be relaxing but it also affects other people in a more direct way than smoking. If passive smoking exists (and I'm still to be convinced it does) then at least it takes a while for it to damage other people while a drunk can get out of hand and punch someone very quickly indeed so fuck all the do-gooders who want to ban smoking from everywhere on the planet (if they ever bring in that law they want to about not smoking in your own car then I swear to Christ I will start... ). Ban fucking drinking instead. The world would be a better place. Lots of people don't seem to just "go out for a drink" they go out to get pissed! Wow, very intelligent (and expensive). What's the point? Smokers don't say "yeah, let's smoke until we get cancer... " Sorry, I'm starting to ramble now but this really gets on my tits (as you might have gathered).
So, I'll move on and get this lot off my chest... the parade of the talentless, moronic and fame hungry has begun in earnest on TV. The Shit Factor is back (who the fuck is Tulisia or whoever the hell she calls herself? Someone from NDubz... fuck me... that's worse than being told you can't sing by Cheryl fucking Cole... ), Celebrity Big Brother is in full swing on Channel 5 with a bunch of no-marks so obscure that even I haven't heard of most of them and this week Ant and fucking Dec return to TV screens everywhere. Add to this adverts for Richard and Judy's bookclub on ITV and that's it! "Oh shaun, you're just jealous because they'd never pick one of your books for their bookclub," you yell... No, they fucking wouldn't. That's how bad things are when the most powerful people in publishing are some wine stealing twat from TV and his fat has-been fucking Mrs. But, back to Big Brother...
A new series of the real show is also looming so we can have a dozen or more fame hungry members of the public prancing about, showing us how "whacky" (I hate that fucking word) they are and how "up for the crack" (I hate that fucking expression too and yes I know it's spelt differently from the drug, I just refuse to join in with the bullshit... ) Irish people are allowed to say that because it's part of their language... English people are not. There you go, you heard it first here. And they'll all come out to record contracts, book deals, TV presenting things and they'll all earn fucking money they don't deserve to earn and I'll just go madder and madder until I start frothing at the mouth (oops, it's already started...)
I sat there the other night in my usual torpor like state watching hundreds of soft cunts standing out in the rain while the first no-mark was evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house... what the fuck is wrong with these people? It's Friday night, it's pissing down, how the hell does anyone think "Ooh, let's go and watch some complete unknown get booed by a bunch of morons, it'll be fun." "Then stop watching it if you hate it so much, Shaun," you roar. I'm trying. I know it's not good to be sitting for an hour every night mumbling "cunts, fucking nobodies, die you bastards," at the TV but what the hell, I've got nothing else to do!
I think this latest parade of mediocrity has pushed me beyond the limit... I've got to the stage where I don't just want to avoid these people for the rest of my life I actually want them dead! Is that a bad thing?... and to top it all, DEXTER ends tonight. I love that fucking programme... ah, well they'll probably replace it with a new series of WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE or as I prefer to call it "Who the fucking hell are you?"
Right, that's it, I'm off to see KILL LIST... see you next time...
So, the country's going up in flames as riots spread. Gangs of feral youths, hoodies and every other type of fucking scum who think they're living in South Central L.A. decide to have a go at the police. Football is being cancelled because of this shit (yes I did put that first in the list of resulting tragedies), people are losing their homes (literally) and businesses, Cameron has to cancel his fucking holiday (a holiday costing about five grand a week I understand... ) to rush back here and tell us all that we needn't worry that the "streets will be reclaimed" and that useless cunt Boris Johnson visits the worst affected areas of London as if he's Churchill sympathising with Blitz victims! Politicians everywhere line up to say it wasn't their fault. IT FUCKING IS! This is all the fault of politicians. It's got fuck all to do with some gang member being shot by police! (He had a gun, he shouldn't have so fuck him... ) These riots would have happened anyway. What hasn't helped is that many of the rioters think the only way they can gain "respect" is by burning and smashing things. Grow up you fucking twats (probably a silly statement as most of them look to be in their teens... ) However, when their 'heroes' from the world of Rap and R n B are constantly going on about how much they hate the Police (why would this be then?) then is it any wonder that the sheep who listen to their outpourings should copy their sentiments? Fucking idiots. The police are only the enemy if you've broken the fucking law and if you've broken the law then you deserve all you get. It's a fairly simple equation that even fans of Piss Dudley should be able to follow... and my views on what the police should do for what it's worth?... baton charge the fuckers, use rubber bullets (fuck it, use real bullets... ), let the dogs loose on them. Do whatever you have to do. Mind you, I bet Cher Lloyd sympathises with them... that hateful little fucker from last year's Shit Factor has been told off for apparently... ahem... "Trashing a hotel room"... oh, wow, what a little rebellious street wise symbol of resistance you are Cher, let me worship at your feet you chav princess... Let's just examine that a little more closely shall we... "trashing a hotel room"... the hotel management found some cigarette burns and some fag ash in the room... FUCKING HELL, FULL ON ROCK AND ROLL DESTRUCTION... Fag ash and cigarette burns! Useless little cunt can't even smash a place up properly... fucking hell, I left hotel rooms in worst states than that when I was in my "rock and roll author" stage... AND I DON'T EVEN FUCKING SMOKE... (that was because I was a lazy bastard by the way not because I thought I was being rebellious... ) Cher apparently has "attitude"... Er... no... attitude is conveyed by the intensity and power of your work not by having a lack of good manners you dozy fucking no-mark. She's a spoiled, indulged, overpaid little cunt. Real artists have attitudes. Plastic wannabes have fuck all... remember that you waste of flesh and organs...
But not to worry because in amongst all this carnage and anarchy two giants of social commentary emerged to give their opinions. Towering like intellectual (or maybe that should be ineffectual) mountains above us mere mortals and calling for an end to the rioting are... Stephen Fry and Jessie J... Now I'm sure your average hoodie wearing, TV stealing arsonist is going to sit up immediately and take notice of some lanky cunt who's got more money than the whole of Hackney put together... and Jessie J, just because you think you're black it don't make it so... you can pose, throw gang signs and squawk about "da streets" all you fucking want but when you wake up in the morning you'll still be white... do you think any of these fuckers care what you think? Think again...
How dare these overpaid cunts stick their privileged noses into this situation? Only the police and people living in these fucking areas have anything worthwhile to say on these riots? They're the only ones with a right to comment because they're living through it.
And do you know what it's going to take to make so many other people sit up and take notice of what's happening in this fucking country? It's going to take a 'celebrity' getting their car attacked before anyone gives a fuck! It's going to take some whining fucking no-mark going to the papers screaming "well, I wanted to turn left into the road next to Harrods but I couldn't because there was a scratch on my car where I almost ran into a rioter who was looking menacingly at the window of Fortnum and Mason." (and yes I know Harrods is nowhere near Fortnum and Mason, I'm just making a point... ) Was the front cover of Closer magazine covered in shots of burning buildings? No, it had Jordan on it's cover, making more money and whining about something. Wait for them to come out of the woodwork now. 'Celebrities' who had hard lives and know what these people are going through... it's just a matter of time... If there are riots in Newcastle then they'll ask Cheryl Cole for her fucking views... Kerry Katona will reminisce about the Toxteth riots a few years back in Liverpool... Jedward will expound about the 'troubles' in Northern Ireland while Jeremy Clarkson will tell you the best way to drive a car that's been reduced to cinders by an arsonist and Ulrika Jonson is probably preparing a novel about the whole mess while we speak... and people will fucking believe it...
Still, never mind all the social unrest and stuff like that, the X Factor is coming back so no need to worry about anything really is there... ? The riots will die down and the media will become saturated with the usual parade of fucking talentless cunts and everything will be alright again in this green and pleasant land.
What I can't understand is why these dumb fucks riot in their own neighbourhoods. Don't destroy the areas where you live you fucking morons. Don't disrupt the lives of the people around you who are trying to make a living. Don't shit where you eat you fucking half-wits.
Why not pile into cars and mini-buses and riot in RICH areas... I thought that was supposed to be the point of this unrest, to show how the country is divided between the rich and the poor and how the poor get shit on and the rich get away with everything (oh no, sorry, my mistake... )
If you're going to loot then at least get something worthwhile... if you're going to burn cars then burn decent ones... if you want to torch houses then torch expensive ones... let's see Stephen Fry calling for fucking order when he's got 200 bottle carrying dickheads in his front garden... so go on, riot to your heart's content you worthless sacks of shit but do it in areas where it'll make a real statement, starting with Downing Street...
So, I went to the 02 on Saturday to see Iron Maiden as I'm sure some of you lot did too and they were great as usual. (What a venue that 02 is... amazing... ) It was quite reassuring to see that many of the audience where I was sitting/standing were as old if not older than me... (at what age should you stop air-guitaring and head-banging I wonder? Is there a Government directive to stop embarrassment... ) It was also wonderful on the way to the gig to see so many people in their Maiden T-shirts all sweeping towards the 02 like some kind of metallic sea... (ha, ha... pretentious twat aren't I... ) It all feels so wonderfully tribal (like the football..) and I imagined some JLS fans straying into the midst of this metal horde and being ritually slaughtered for their failure to appreciate real music, hunted to death by people who know what real musicians are supposed to sound like (the image of Maiden themselves kicking those useless talentless little fuckers to death on stage would have been a highlight too I have to say... ah, well, I can dream... )
So, the gig started and everyone was well into it, pyrotechnics exploded, lights dazzled, the music blew your brains out, the air was punched at various times but... next to me four stupid fucking girls in their twenties seemed more interested in going backwards and forwards to the bar than watching the show. After waving their hands in the air a few times and shrieking aimlessly they obviously tired of this and decided they wanted a drink. Fair enough, but if these dozy slags went out once they must have gone out a dozen times and me being the slightly irritable and mildly impatient individual I tend to be was getting a little more miffed each time they blundered past me. Finally, with my back to them and my full attention focussed on Maiden as they thundered through The Number of the Beast I felt a tap on my shoulder as one of these fucking morons tried yet again to barge past (they gave up asking to squeeze past after about the fifth visit... ) the following exchange went like this, roughly;
Silly bitch; Can I get past?"
Me; "Go the other way."
Silly bitch (trying to shout above the music); "I want to get past."
Me; "Then go the other fucking way."
Silly bitch; "Will you move."
Me; "Fuck off the other way you cunt."
I didn't hear from them again.
Now I know that hordes of you will be shouting at your computers now, "Shaun, you horrible bastard... " Well you can sod off because these fucking dozy cows hadn't paid for their tickets, probably didn't even know who the fuck maiden were and were more interested in drinking than the music. There were people outside the venue without tickets who would have fucking killed to have been in their positions. People who actually wanted to hear the music and see the band. It makes me fucking sick. They probably worked in some poxy little radio station that got a few freebies or knew someone who worked in a record shop who managed to snag one from someone who knew someone at the band's record company. When I heard one of them ask "What's this?" when Two Minutes to Midnight roared out I should have known... It's the same in the hospitality area, people wandering around aimlessly trying to neck as much free booze and grub as they can before they have to go through the ordeal of actually watching the band! That's one of the reasons that hospitality areas are so far from the stage at most venues because lots of people never leave the fucking things once they're in them... Maiden always shut theirs fifteen minutes before the band go on... ha, ha... I had one drink then wandered out and had a coffee and sandwich in Starbucks (Shaun we couldn't give a fuck about your eating habits, I hear you roar... )
I've always hated people like this ever since I started going to gigs. People pay bloody good money for their tickets, real fans sometimes can't get tickets and yet these fucking free-loaders just booze their way through the gig without giving a shit about the music. Fucking hell, can't someone go without a drink for two hours! Watch the gig, listen to the music, join in, enjoy the spectacle or fuck off... if you want to drink and listen to music then stay at home and put on a fucking CD...
At least at the football on Saturday people will be focussed on the match for ninety minutes, well, apart from the ones who are texting or ringing their mates... that amazes me at a match when some nobhead is trying to text or call while the fucking game's on... what the fuck is it with people and their bloody phones? Turn the fucking thing off, you cunt... when you have a minutes silence at a match now you actually get one minute of fucking ring tones because twats can't be bothered to turn their little pride and joy off for just 60 seconds... fuck it, I'd burn them all at the gate (and the phones too... ) and unfortunately it's got that way with the freebies too... people who are 'guests' of a company who don't give a fuck about football are there to eat and drink as much as they can. The whole corporate side of football is hateful but clubs would rather have a stadium full of docile, passionless twats than real fans, mainly because the corporate fuckers pay more... it's the same principal as free bars at weddings where cunts who normally drink halves of cider suddenly start drinking double brandies because someone else is shelling out... fuckers...
Anyway, back to the gig... Maiden were fucking great (alright I'm biased but I've never ever come out of a gig feeling cheated... ) and on the way back some guy on the tube asked me (obviously mistaking me for the kind of person who likes a jolly natter on the underground... ) what you should wear to a Maiden gig... what the fuck... wear what you like I told him, hoping he'd go away. Don't you have to wear an Iron Maiden t-shirt, he asked. Try wearing a Lady GaGa one, I suggested... He got off at the next stop thank God.
What also struck me about the gig was how good natured it was. Thousands of metal heads all milling about without the slightest hint of aggression. People queued for drinks and t-shirts etc. without jostling or arguing. God we rock fans are fucking great aren't we... it's just that when you see so many big hairy black clad, stud encrusted people others tend to think they're going to get their heads physically torn off and eaten if they go within twenty yards and that's not the case. A friend of mine is terrified of blokes on motor bikes and won't stop at a services if she sees bikes there... don't ask me why. A mate of mine shit himself on the way to a Queensryche gig many years ago because of this... "everyone looks so rough," he bleated as long haired blokes in leather jackets surrounded us on the tube... and he was six foot fucking four... maybe I feel safer in these big crowds because I'm such a little shit and I feel protected... a psychiatrist would have a field day with this shit... ah, well, long live rock and roll... just one last thought, I paid £25 for a t-shirt and ten quid for a programme on Saturday... the first Maiden T-shirt I bought cost me three quid and the programme was two quid... fuck me I'm so old it frightens me...
So, Amy Whitehouse joins the '27 Club'? Spooky that, Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Brian Jones and Jim Morrison all dying at 27 and now Amy joins them... weird... Hardly a surprise but I have to say something of a sad day mainly because I think she was genuinely talented and as usual, it only seems to happen to the genuinely talented. Despite how much I might relish the prospect, I'm never going to switch on the news or pick up the paper and see that Cheryl Cole, Jordan, JLS, Paris Hilton, Justin Bieber, Kerry Katona, Cher Lloyd, Jedward etc. etc. have topped themselves because it'll never happen (the best I can hope for is a fucking plane crash or mad stalker... ) It's only the genuinely talented because only those with genuine creative talent have to cope with 'demons' as the press like to call them... large amounts of drugs and booze as we lesser mortals know them...
Yes it was sad and yes she was talented but... (come on, you knew there'd be a but... ) like the others before her what the fuck was the problem with struggling through life with shit-loads of money and the career you'd always wanted? I'm sure there are thousands of people everyday who get up fearing the coming twenty four hours. They've got no job, no big house, no endless supplies of cash. They struggle but they seem to manage, they seem to carry on. They don't just whinge, pump themselves full of drugs and booze and fucking die... No one who earns more than fifty grand a year has a right to moan, certainly no one who earns the vast amounts of money these fucking stars earn... Do you ever hear members of Iron Maiden moaning about pressure? No. Do you ever hear members of Pink Floyd complaining about how hard they had it? No. Did Frank Sinatra belly-ache about the pressure of his profession? Not to my knowledge. Maybe in private they moaned but not to the fucking press... and even more galling was the sight of so many 'devastated' fans laying flowers. "I'll never hear her again" one of them wailed. Er... try putting a fucking CD on...
I loved Bill Hicks (not in that sense... ) and I loved Sam Peckinpah and yes I cried when I heard they'd died but if they'd died in this country I wouldn't have rushed off to the house where they shuffled off this mortal coil armed only with a bunch of flowers and a soggy tissue... If all of the members of Maiden went down in a plane crash tomorrow I'd be gutted and extremely upset but I wouldn't rush down to their record company with a home-made fucking wreath... similarly if Matt Stone and Trey Parker were both shot while working on the next episode of South Park I'd be horrified and upset but wouldn't be flying over to the States carrying a bouquet in the shape of Cartman...
And meanwhile, in Norway, someone goes ape shit with some guns and a bomb and wipes out more than 100 people. While being simultaneously appalled by this guy's conviction and impressed by his marksmanship (oops... ) I am intrigued by this bloke because for one thing he's still alive! Normally they top themselves too don't they? Witness Michael Ryan at Hungerford and the Dunblane killer... If he's as erudite as he seems to be then it should be interesting. I know you guys won't be slating me for being interested in the workings of a killers mind... you wonderful people...
Now I'm sure that the Norwegian authorities will discover this guy watched loads of violent films, listened to heavy metal, watched internet porn 18 hours a day and had no friends and there will be the nice, neat answers to another mass slaughter. He'll be dismissed as insane (which he obviously isn't) and racist (which he doesn't seem to be) and that will be that. Much more comfortable for people to dismiss him as a crackpot I suppose. We could do with someone like that over here, preferably going fucking mad in the Houses of Parliament... mind you the lazy cunts are never there anyway are they? Always too busy making more money somewhere else or fucking their secretaries... that's one habit from the Yanks we should acquire, namely shooting fucking politicians...
Just a tip for the next crazed mass murderer by the way, if you happen to be reading this... don't let rip at normal people, lock and load and wander along to the editorial meetings at HELLO or OK, go along to Jordan's next signing session or open fire at the MTV music awards... at least that way no innocent people will be killed... (just a thought... )
I've just heard that apparently it's been suggested to fuck face David Cameron that people buying large amounts of fertilizer should be carefully monitored... that's farmers fucked then isn't it?... .(and before anyone says anything yes I know it can be used to make explosive... no doubt where the term shit-storm comes from... just like orange juice and gelatine can be used to make napalm, ha, ha... ) You can also make a mace out of a baseball bat studded with six inch nails but that's not quite so subtle I suppose... mind you, I'd like to see one sticking out of the back of Chris Moyle's fat fucking head...
Must just mention this before I fuck off. I went to the pictures the other day (wow, there's an unusual occurrence... ) and had to change seats because the bloke sitting TWO SEATS AWAY... had bad breath... never encountered anything like that in all my years of cinema going. This evil smelling bastard was slumped in the chair in his fucking shorts and plastic flip-flops like a sack of day old shit and every time he opened his mouth to laugh or talk to himself (yes, talk to himself... ) I was enveloped by a cloud of noxious fumes...
How the fuck do people not know if they've got breath that smells like someone just opened a drain? How do they not know that they've got body odour? So, rather than nip to Boots buy the twat a toothbrush and some Pearl Drops I moved into the row in front... Nothing too interesting I know but I just wondered again why, of all the seats in the fucking cinema, I had to attract the smelly/noisy/talkative/phone using/food guzzling patron. Just my luck I suppose which seems to stink as much as that dickhead's breath... ah well, another day in paradise...
WASP (remember them?..) once recorded a song called "The Rock rolls forever on"... yeah, alright, I know but I loved WASP... and it made me think that this section is turning into "the shit slides forever on... " I really should stop this I know but sitting here in the morning desperately trying to get my brain working, it helps to have a bit of a rant just to get the juices flowing (even if it does nothing more than make me go and make a cup of tea... and what do you know, as soon as I finished typing that fucking line I went and made one... sorry... pointless detail I know... )
So, I'm sitting here listening to Clannad again (different album... ) because I find that they help me relax a little (ha, ha... ) and also because they trigger good memories. Weird how certain music, sights, sounds and smells etc. do that isn't it? "Oh, fuck," I hear you bellow, "Shaun's gone all wistful and philosophical... " True though isn't it? Clannad always make me think of a very good friend of mine who I lost touch with and who I miss terribly but what the fuck you're probably all thinking I've gone sentimental and nostalgic too, that should be the cue for most of you to jump to another site... In fact, I'll just see if I can get back to normal for a moment... Cheryl Cole is a fucking... almost made it...
I'm looking out of the window at the fucking sunshine which I hate, almost ready to go and see HORRIBLE BOSSES (should be shit and the fucking kids are off school so hell awaits I'm thinking but what the fuck..) and thinking how quickly I'd retire if I won the fucking lottery (fat chance of that, the only thing I've ever won in my life is a Judas Priest wristband!). Everybody I know seems to be retired, semi-retired, thinking about retiring or preparing for retirement, it drives me fucking mad... How the hell don't they go insane with nothing to do? I feel as if I'm retired at times and it drives me mad... everything moves so slowly... I can hear you groaning en masse by now so I'll shut up and start talking about something else. Sorry about that. I really should get a proper job so I haven't got so much time on my hands. I hate it when I'm waiting for people to send me work or finish editing stuff or 'get back to me' etc. etc. I hate sitting around with fuck all to do while someone else drags their heels...
And someone tell me, how the fuck do people who don't go to football spend their weekends? What the fuck do they do? Trundle around the shops? Go to Tesco? Drag around Garden centres? I dread the fucking weekends when there's no football (sad I know but I've been going every weekend for 20 years or more... I'm the equivalent of institutionalized I suppose... ) I read somewhere that a great pastime for some people was booking appointments to view houses that they couldn't afford! Are you fucking serious? What the hell is the point in wandering around a house you know you'll never be able to afford? You might as well just buy yourself a torture kit and spend the weekend sticking needles in your fucking eyes if you want to torment yourself...
I suppose you know you're fucked when you're adding The Samaritans homepage to your favourites list on your computer... fantastic organisation, probably the next one for the chop on Cameron's list. After all, with this war against the poor that the Government are waging you need to get at any outlets they might have don't you? I hate that fucking shiny faced cunt so much it hurts... every day you read or hear of more people losing their jobs, struggling to keep their homes, losing pensions, not being able to survive etc. and yet those bastards in Westminster keep on spewing out shit about how we're all in it together etc. etc. NO WE'RE FUCKING NOT! The rich are not affected... no one earning over fifty grand a year is affected... oops, sorry, started getting a bit too serious there, a bit too near the knuckle... I'm supposed to be a conduit of feelings against fucking celebrities after all, not a social commentator... anyway, ignore me and I'll go away (just a matter of time). This might have been sparked by the knowledge that Big Brother is returning... (God fucking help us... ) and that the no-marks who've found fame and WEALTH by appearing on it will now have more brainless cunts to join them...
I'm off to see Iron Maiden on Saturday at the O2 so that should be good. I accidentally happened on a website the other day to do with them and people were moaning because they weren't playing good stuff on their current tour... oh give me a fucking break... "they didn't play what I wanted to hear" one nobhead bleated. Well then stay at home and play your fucking albums instead of going to the gig and bellyaching afterwards. I'm sure Steve Harris and the lads would have called round to get your approval for the set listing if you'd let them know... what a cunt... there were loads of moans like that on this site. Now I'm not saying that if you're a fan of a band, a singer, a film star or whatever you can't have a moan about them but if you don't like what they're doing then keep it to your fucking self, don't go putting it on the internet... fucking hell if it wasn't for these people you'd have nothing to moan about in the first place... just be grateful that you could be at the gig. There'll be thousands of people on Saturday who would give their right arms to be at the 02 and who would appreciate whatever they were presented with so count your blessings, have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up (Eddie Murphy... circa 1988... ) I remember talking (sorry being spoken to... ) by some twats at Sonisphere last year (maiden headlined). They were in the hospitality area sucking down the free booze and grub and started moaning about the band and their music (the reason I was sitting at their table by the way was because there was nowhere else to sit... ) and how they weren't as good as they used to be. Ignoring the temptation to say "Well they've made more money than you'll make in your fucking life you cunt because they always give one hundred per cent on stage and on their albums and they've been doing this for over thirty years so they must be doing something right... " It turned out these twats didn't even know the last three albums the band had recorded and also they only got into the hospitality area because "one of their mates knows someone at the record company." Fucking typical. And it'll be the same on Saturday. And before you say "but Shaun you'll be in the hospitality area" I know I fucking will because I've been buying their albums since 1980, I've loved their music since then, I've been lucky enough to work with them, travel with them etc. etc. and I appreciate everything they've ever done with me/for me. I would be there no matter what because I love that fucking band. There's a lyric in a song on the new album (The Final Frontier) called The Alchemist which goes; "Gather round the aimless and the feckless and the lame... " Wow, we're back to Big Brother again...
I think there was a point to all this but I'm not sure what it was... oh yeah, I know if you put anything up for public consumption that you have to be prepared to take criticism but only criticism that's merited. "Oh, this is shit," doesn't count! When I moan about fucking awful films it's because I know why they're awful... blah... blah... blah...
I was forced to do this after having sat through ZOOKEEPER. Yes I know I shouldn't have gone. It was my own fault but... for fuck's sake... this abortion of a picture isn't just one of the worst I've seen in the last couple of years it's one of the worst in the history of celluloid... (I read a great quote once by John Barrymore the actor who, when asked if he liked his wine said "smash the bottles, destroy the barrels and burn the vineyard" sorry but that always amuses me)... and this kind of bollocks is representative of the majority of shit being served up to cinema-goers every fucking week. What kind of cunt wrote this ("One who's better off than you, Shaun," I hear you wail) What kind of arsehole greenlit it and what kind of terminal fuckwit paid Kevin James millions to star in it? Even kids weren't laughing... It was loathesome. Unoriginal, tedious, predictable... pass the Thesaurus... I'd write a script myself but there's no point. I remember going to a preview screening of SHOCKER many years ago (one of Wes Craven's more forgettable efforts... ) and, when it finished, my manager at the time shouted out "what a pile of monkey shit, you could have done better in your sleep Shaun". God I loved that guy! He was fucking right too... but despite that being true I know I won't get the chance to prove it and that really pisses me off (probably pisses some of you off too... ) when I look at the books I've written over the years any one of them would make a good film (as long as I was kept away from it... ha, ha... ) but no one has or will make one of my mine into a film and I wish I knew why. I think that sitting through so much shit at the pictures really brings that home to me... "oh shut up, Shaun, get a grip and stop whining... just get used to your failure and take it like a man," I hear you bellow... oh, alright then... I've got the soundtrack to BLACK RAIN on while writing this, now that was a good film... good fucking soundtrack too.
Anyway, if anyone else is going to the 02 on Saturday then enjoy it. I know I will. I would tell you to say hello if you see me but why spoil your evening, eh?... .665, The Neighbour of the Beast... ha, ha...
They say you should never go shopping when you're hungry, well maybe you shouldn't try to write when you're angry (not in my case anyway... ) Just to let you in on how dull, tedious and mind numbingly boring my days are, I always start by having a look at the news headlines in various places which I do mainly to see what's going on in this thrilling world of ours.
Well today I just thought I'd share with you fine people some of the earth shattering, headline making, need to know things that I discovered while trying to find out if there was any end to the worst recession in living memory, more people losing their homes and jobs than ever before, an increase in suicides, the collapse of the world economy and the rise in cancer cases etc. etc. (the sort of thing that you might have thought people would be interested and concerned about... ) In amongst stuff about the famine in Somalia, a Japanese man getting life for killing a teacher and the usual Murdoch empire overthrown/more powerful/who's phone hasn't been hacked bullshit there were these gems...
Selena Gomez is launching her own perfume. Paris Hilton thinks everyone hates her. Cheryl fucking Cole and David fucking Beckham are to become cartoon superheroes to help promote a new TV show. Jennifier Aniston's got a new boyfriend.
THESE WERE FUCKING HEADLINES...
Selena Gomez launches new money making venture, sorry, perfume... what the fuck is it essence of bullshit? The scent of talent free puberty? Who the fuck wants to smell like that little waste of space? (the same people who wanted to smell like Jade Goody, Britney Spears or Paris Hilton possibly... ) I'm thinking of launching my own perfume, it'll be called FUCKWIT and it'll smell of horse shit but as long as I can get a picture of Jedward on the bottle then it should be fine (apparently they are destined for the celebrity big brother house at a rumoured fee of one million... wow, good to see the economy isn't fucked up when it comes to paying no-marks... )
Paris Hilton thinks the world hates her... so where's the fucking story there? Anyone who doesn't hate that fucking insipid waste of flesh and organs needs treatment... one of the shining beacons of non-entity in this world overpopulated by talent free cunts. And speaking of talent free cunts... Cheryl Cole as a super-hero... Now who could that be? Slag-girl? Media whore? Mattress woman? By day a mouthy, greedy wannabe who can't sing by night... er... a mouthy, greedy wannabe who can't sing... not much of disguise really...
I'd like to be a superhero actually, one with the power to obliterate celebrities by power of thought. Oh, look, Take That, wait a minute, let me focus my death ray... bang... there we go, no more shit music from them (just another few thousand pop groups to kill off and we're saved) I noticed that there was a HEADLINE the other day saying how their plane had been struck by lightning... so fucking what? If the bloody thing had gone down it might have been worth writing about... don't tease us with news of possible celebrity deaths tell us when the fuckers are actually dead... give us some good news for a change.
Jennifer Aniston's got a new boyfriend... (she also launched her own perfume by the way, not too long ago... essence of 'How I'll never do anything as successful as friends again'... apparently it smells of Brad Pitt, coffee and the tears of every sad cunt who cried when Friends finished... I did too but mine were tears of joy... ) who gives a flying fuck if some overpaid, shit actress is getting shafted by a new dick? Mind you, I suppose she can blub about how she's unlucky in love when he fucks off after a month...
See, told you I shouldn't have done this now. Isn't proper writing supposed to be cool and objective, witty and probing, not just the outpourings of a man so filled with hatred he can barely contain it? (Where's Bill Hicks when you need him most... "He's dead Shaun" I hear you say, "one of the few people ever to walk this earth who hated pretension, bullshit and lack of talent as much as you is fucking dead, unlike the people you both despised and who make more money in a week than you'll make in a decade... " Oh, yeah, forgot about that... )
Any psychiatrists reading this will notice that I have now crossed the line into insanity (well, a while ago actually... ) and the rest of you will probably have thrown your computers out of the window now due to this aimless ranting. Sorry. The Samaritans were busy...
WASP (remember them?..) once recorded a song called "The Rock rolls forever on"... yeah, alright, I know but I loved WASP... and it made me think that this section is turning into "the shit slides forever on... " I really should stop this I know but sitting here in the morning desperately trying to get my brain working, it helps to have a bit of a rant just to get the juices flowing (even if it does nothing more than make me go and make a cup of tea... and what do you know, as soon as I finished typing that fucking line I went and made one... sorry... pointless detail I know... )
So, I'm sitting here listening to Clannad again (different album... ) because I find that they help me relax a little (ha, ha... ) and also because they trigger good memories. Weird how certain music, sights, sounds and smells etc. do that isn't it? "Oh, fuck," I hear you bellow, "Shaun's gone all wistful and philosophical... " True though isn't it? Clannad always make me think of a very good friend of mine who I lost touch with and who I miss terribly but what the fuck you're probably all thinking I've gone sentimental and nostalgic too, that should be the cue for most of you to jump to another site... In fact, I'll just see if I can get back to normal for a moment... Cheryl Cole is a fucking... almost made it...
I'm looking out of the window at the fucking sunshine which I hate, almost ready to go and see HORRIBLE BOSSES (should be shit and the fucking kids are off school so hell awaits I'm thinking but what the fuck..) and thinking how quickly I'd retire if I won the fucking lottery (fat chance of that, the only thing I've ever won in my life is a Judas Priest wristband!). Everybody I know seems to be retired, semi-retired, thinking about retiring or preparing for retirement, it drives me fucking mad... How the hell don't they go insane with nothing to do? I feel as if I'm retired at times and it drives me mad... everything moves so slowly... I can hear you groaning en masse by now so I'll shut up and start talking about something else. Sorry about that. I really should get a proper job so I haven't got so much time on my hands. I hate it when I'm waiting for people to send me work or finish editing stuff or 'get back to me' etc. etc. I hate sitting around with fuck all to do while someone else drags their heels...
And someone tell me, how the fuck do people who don't go to football spend their weekends? What the fuck do they do? Trundle around the shops? Go to Tesco? Drag around Garden centres? I dread the fucking weekends when there's no football (sad I know but I've been going every weekend for 20 years or more... I'm the equivalent of institutionalized I suppose... ) I read somewhere that a great pastime for some people was booking appointments to view houses that they couldn't afford! Are you fucking serious? What the hell is the point in wandering around a house you know you'll never be able to afford? You might as well just buy yourself a torture kit and spend the weekend sticking needles in your fucking eyes if you want to torment yourself...
I'm sitting here writing this listening to Clannad (anyone else remember them... ?) just killing a bit of time before I rush off eagerly to see the latest and last instalment of the Harry Potter story... and about fucking time... I watched them all crying and whining at the premier last week on TV, Emma Watson in tears because the franchise had come to an end... Hold on, you made millions out of it you silly cow, smile for Christ's sake and it also opened up modelling opportunities for you that you'd never have got otherwise. All the cast members were going on about how much they'd loved being in the films and never once mentioned that they were shitting themselves because basically their acting careers were over now... I mean, Rupert Grint's other foray into movies was the majestic THUNDERPANTS... fuck me... Daniel Radcliffe still looks like the kid who always got bullied at school and Emma Watson still looks 12 which is a bit worrying considering the amount of porn sites (so I believe... ) that hold her in such high esteem (she'll probably still look like that when she's thirty... ) and of course we had the customary whining from Harry's creator, the made over and all powerful J.K. 'I was happier before I was published' Rowling... who has made a rumoured half a billion quid out of the franchise... half a fucking billion! And still she doesn't smile... I know you're all thinking it's just sour grapes, Shaun's jealous... fucking right I am but the main thing that gets up my nose with her is the fact she keeps trotting out this bollocks about being happier before she was published and how much she misses writing in a fucking café... Well J.K. why not give all the money back, go back to writing in a greasy spoon and stop patronising everyone who hasn't been published yet... I have no problem with the books or films or her obvious talent I just wish she'd fucking enjoy what she's got instead of apologising for it... Needless to say, with the Potter stuff ending and also, hopefully, an end to the TWILIGHT dross, publishers will be desperate to find the 'next big thing'... I'm betting it'll have a supernatural background, what do you reckon? A Vampire wizard who is still a virgin but actually loves a yeti who can't have babies unless she is impregnated by a midget with a degree in forensics who was once the brother of Satan himself but who's now reformed and is on speaking terms with God so they can make the world a better place... how's that?... Any other suggestions should be put on the back of an envelope and rammed up the arse of Rupert Murdoch (mind you he probably already knows all the ideas because of phone hacking... )
Nice to see THE NEWS OF THE WORLD hitting the dust, let's just hope the fucking SUN follows it... it's a pity for the journalists who lost their jobs because that ginger fucker Rebekah Brooks (I'll give it two months before a publisher has offered her millions for her autobiography... ) has kept hers of course for the time being and all the rich fat cats will remain untouched. It's always the little guys who get pissed on. I'm just hoping that shiny faced twat who passes himself off as prime minister gets dragged down by the scandal too... If I had any scruples I'd cancel my Sky subscription but needless to say I haven't and in fact I just added the history channels and kids channels the other day. Wow, what a beacon of outraged indignation I am, eh? No doubt there will be a Sun on Sunday to replace the Notw so all the no mark fucking celebs have still got an outlet for their bleatings.
On which subject I notice that Cheryl Cole is again threatening to move to L.A... well fucking do it then you useless cunt, don't keep raising our hopes then stay here, just fuck off now and take your old man with you... (they are back together aren't they... ? Her and cashley?). They could meet up with Beckhams, a summit of chavs... I'm sure the next logical step for Cole is to have a sprog like the Beckhams then they can compete to see who can find the daftest fucking name... that whole business about the first Beckham kid being named after where it was conceived made me laugh... Brooklyn... ah... well, sounds better than 'Behind an Amp stack at a Spice Girls gig with a roadie' Beckham I suppose... I suppose Cheryl Cole will do the same kind of thing so look forward to the birth of 'Not sure who it belongs to' Cole or 'could have been any number of blokes' Cole in the not too distant future...
I started this before I went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (you have to give it it's full title you see or Potter fans and Rowling acolytes get pissed off... ) and I'm completing it after seeing the film. Fuck me, what an ending, who'd have thought Hermione would end up with Hagrid and Ron would butt-fuck Draco Malfoy to death using a broom and a quidditch manual... Hope that doesn't spoil it too much for you... What did strike me was the number of fat people in the audience... Now I know you're probably sitting there thinking 'Shaun, I wouldn't have taken you for an intolerant person, someone who looks down on obese people, I am disgusted... ' Weill, so was I... I was wondering if fat people are more predisposed to like franchise movies because there were lots of them in the Twilight series too... One girl came in carrying a sack of popcorn and a drink the size of a fucking dustbin and she was gasping as she passed me on the way to the back of the theatre... ah, well, nothing to do with me is it? "No Shaun, it isn't, that girl probably had an eating disorder and needed twenty quids worth of popcorn to stop her dying... " Amazing the things you think about when you're watching people come in and waiting for the half hour of fucking adverts to assault you before the feature comes on including that one with Jaime Winston you know the one about not pirating movies where she tells us how many people work in the British film industry... the one that should sound like this. "Thousands of people work in the British film industry and thanks to my dad being Ray Winston, I do too... Don't pirate films or my dad will come round and sort you out... bye, love Jaime...
I must just mention that I went to see KUNG FU PANDA 2 during the recent half term and trust me, walking into a kids film during half term on your own with a bag of sweets looks fucking dodgy... I was pleased when the lights went out...
Right, that's my lot.
Yes, it's me at last and the first thing I have to say is sorry about the delay (fucking right you should say sorry I hear you roar... ). To say that things are fucked up at my end (ooh... er... ) is an understatement but not something I'm going to bother you fine people with. We've all got problems and you lot don't want to hear about mine, not when you can hear me slagging off Cheryl Cole etc... well slagging off nearly everyone actually.
There was once an episode of South Park (and I might have mentioned this before, if I have then apologies... ) where Cartman thought he'd never laugh again because he'd seen the funniest thing in his life... well I had the same sort of thing (not something funny I hasten to add... ) and I just didn't want to sit at the keyboard typing (I still feel like that but thought it was about time you lot had some kind of apology from me although it's probably been a relief to be honest... ) speaking of South Park I hear horrible rumours that even that is coming to an end... Jesus Christ... I have more affinity with little cartoon people than I do with real life. Bill Hicks has gone, Peckinpah's gone and now South Park too... (get over it Shaun, there's a new series of Peter Andre's life story coming up on ITV2 I hear you cry... )
Anyway, I'm waffling when I should be ranting, besides which I've just been chasing a fucking fly around with a fly swatter for ten minutes and still can't kill the bastard... you know those big blue bottles that are slightly smaller than Stealth bombers and make more noise than a coach full of pissed up Justin Bieber fans, it was one of those. One of the many reasons I hate summer and hot weather... insects, barbecues, shorts, sweating, not being able to wear a leather jacket, smelly people, etc. I hate the fucking summer with a passion, always have.
But there are things I hate more... did I mention Justin Bieber... explain that little fucker to me someone... what am I missing? Once his balls drop he'll have no career anyway and this manufactured "romance" with Selena Gomez is driving me mad... I've just realized that the fact I even know those two little fuckers are "seeing" each other makes me as sad as any cunt who buys Hello but you have to know your enemy don't you?
While visiting my mum and dad yesterday I saw the headline on their Sunday paper. Was it about the worst recession in living memory, the number of people out of work, the state of the Health Service, the wars in Afghanistan and Libya, the meltdown of Greece? Was it fuck. It was about Cheryl fucking Cole and Ashley fucking Cole, two of the best adverts I've ever seen for abortion! And talking of abortion I see Jordan's on her fucking high horse because someone's had a pop at her son (you know, the backward one... ). So, what does she do by way of riposte? She makes a fucking documentary about it! "here's my kid, another source of income in my already over-exposed life... "
See what I mean about my problem? That was meant to be funny but it wasn't it was just me ranting... I think I've lost the ability to be amusing about this whole celebrity culture thing... it's like it's just gone too far and I can't fight it any longer. Perhaps I'm just disappointed that the general public haven't risen up and killed Kerry Katona, Russell Brand etc. I know that you lot support me in this but don't you feel as if you're swimming against the tide with these bastards? I saw Matt Cardle's book the other day in HMV... yeah, that's right, the winner of last years X Factor has got a book out... mind you he's about the only person who hadn't had one published up until then. So, as the publishing business sinks into oblivion and many writers with it, the big names and the celebrities flourish because you see most publishers would rather spend hundreds of thousands on two celebrity books than they would supporting ten real writers... and it's only going to get worse... So I'll move on to films instead... TRANSFORMERS 3 was dogshit... BRIDESMAIDS I thought was actually funny... PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4 was appalling... GREEN LANTERN was enjoyable enough... but so much fucking 3-D... I hate it... and it adds nothing to the experience at all. I honestly believe that 3-D is the last respite of the bad director because they can serve up all sorts of shit and people are so busy marvelling at the fact they just got poked in the face by a steel girder/spear/alien/pirate etc. that they forget to bother about things like script, direction and acting etc... I recently saw a revival of APOCOLYPSE NOW and was reminded firstly of what a superb film it was and also how shit, for the most part, films are these days... "Oh fuck, Shaun's lost it now" I hear you bellow, "he's going to start telling us films were better when he was younger." Fucking right I am, because they were! Off the top of my head I could name you 20 bona fide classics of cinema from the 70's. could anyone do the same for the last ten years? I doubt it. If anyone wants to then please feel free to show me up but I think I'll stick with THE GODFATHER, TAXI DRIVER, JAWS, DIRTY HARRY, ALIEN, THE LONG GOOD FRIDAY, THE EXORCIST and NETWORK thanks. What's the competition? Transformers, The Hangover, Twilight, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Transporter... I think you see my point...
Same goes for music... bands that I grew up with were PINK FLOYD, IRON MAIDEN, JUDAS PRIEST, QUEENSRYCHE... groups or singers my daughter and your kids are growing up with... Justin Bieber, JLS, Example, Girls Aloud, Boyzone, Katy Perry... where the fuck are the rebellious voices? Where are the real rock and roll acts? I would have much more respect for JLS if they were found in a hotel room with piles of coke and teenage hookers... so what's left for kids to aspire to? Fucking rap... the "Musical" equivalent of someone shitting in your ears... (did anyone see that South Park episode about 'Tween-wave'... an absolute masterpiece and also very touching... )
Yeah, I know I'm old and out of touch and twisted and angry but fuck me, so are you lot thank God (I mean twisted and angry not out of touch and old by the way)... you know I'm right... and if I'm not then someone tell me why I'm not. I would love someone to give me a reasoned argument why everything today isn't shit! In my humble opinion the best Pop act to emerge on the music scene in the last five years is Lady Gaga ("oh fuck, Shaun's gone completely now... ") and I mean that... I took my daughter to see her live and she was fucking excellent...
I also took her to see Rihanna live a few years back... the scars on my wrists are still healing! And yet more and more of this manufactured shit keeps spewing out of the music business and the public lap it up just like they do the crap TV they're presented with, the reality shows, the dog-shit gossip magazines and the tabloid lies and bollocks and they fucking love it... People used to ask me years ago if I worried about people being influenced by what I wrote, fuck me, that's a laugh... if I thought they were then I'd write something about a nutcase (sorry, make that a well adjusted sensible person) who decides to wipe out any fucker who's ever appeared in Hello, Ok or Closer magazine and then blasts the magazines themselves off the face of the earth. I did a talk in Wormwood Scrubs prison once to a group of prisoners (well, my books are popular in prison libraries... ) and mentioned that I'd happily pay someone to firebomb the headquarters of Hello. So, afterwards when these guys were getting books signed one bloke says to me; "So how much would you pay to have Hello burned down?" I told him I was only joking... maybe I should have said a tenner can you do it as soon as you get out? Mind you, it would have backfired because the entire media would then have run features and documentaries about all the celebs who'd ever featured... the news would have been cancelled in favour of a tribute to Fearne Cotton (is that a waste of fucking flesh and organs or what?) Myleene Klass, John Barrowman, Peter Andre and all the other twats who pollute our world...
See, none of the above was witty, it was just me losing it... I've lost the fucking will to live because of these bastards. I am Eric Cartman...
Right, you lot must be wishing I'd stayed off the fucking site after what I've just presented you with but I just wanted to let you know I was here still. I've just completed the novelization of TWINS OF EVIL, having signed a three-book deal with Hammer who are re-issuing all their back catalogue as far back as the fifties as novelizations. It seemed like a good idea to me, especially when I mentioned Hammer to some guy in his twenties the other day and he hadn't even heard of them! I think there's an entire generation of kids who have never been aware of what Hammer meant and how fucking brilliant they were so if I can help launch the new brand in the 21st century then I will do my best as I loved their films so much and even to be linked with the name Hammer (however tenuously) is something of an honour for me.
I'm hoping to do some of the older ones like BRIDES OF DRACULA, REVENGE OF FRANKENSTEIN or PLAGUE OF THE ZOMBIES or KISS OF THE VAMPIRE. I also wanted to do it to present vampires as they should be and not the pathetic insipid creatures they've become in the public eye thanks to fucking TWILIGHT... after all, vampires should be frightening, powerful and menacing not roll around in fields sparkling... fuck me... !
Anyway, that's enough for now... in the words of Lloyd Bridges in AIRPLANE, "Boy, did I pick the wrong week to quit sniffing glue... "
See ya...