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I was trying to come up with a clever intellectual title for this page but then thought bollocks, if people wanted clever intellectual stuff they'd be reading Bret Easton Ellis (I don't fucking think...)
Anyway, this is me speaking to you, direct (well, sort of).
Want to ask me something? Click here.
Right, hands up who's got Swine Flu?
Fuck me, talk about scare mongering. I can't believe the media frenzy that's greeted this latest outbreak of sniffles. Anyone remember Asian flu? Or bird Flu? Weren't they supposed to be the bringers of doom, the things that were going to wipe out the world's population and, unless I'm mistaken, we all survived that little bit of hype but now, we have Swine Flu...(do you have to kiss pigs to get it, I'm not sure...)
So, what happens, within hours shops are selling out of surgical masks, people are ringing into news programmes asking if it's safe to go to work, will there be time for individual burials or will we all have to get slung into mass graves (I saw that one on TV last night..) What the fuck is wrong with people...Let's have a bit of perspective on this shall we? If victims were going down in their thousands every hour then I might think it a bit of a concern but...er...a couple of people come back from Mexico with the sniffles...hardly the fucking black death is it? Now, if someone had gone down with the Ebola virus that's a different matter. A disease that liquefies your internal organs, now that's a fucking disease...
As I write this only about 150 people have died in the country where it supposedly started, in Mexico and I'm sure more people than that die in Mexico city every day from shortness of breath (the most heavily populated and polluted city in the world, the air is so bad it's like being on 40 a day if you're a non smoker...lovely..) Some frightened member of the public (or panicking dickhead dependent on your viewpoint) rang a news programme the other day to suggest that anyone arriving from Mexico should be quarantined...Great idea, Einstein. Maybe everyone with the shits returning from Spain should be locked up or anyone returning from Canada with a cold should be monitored. I can't remember anything getting out of hand quite so quick as this as far as media and public overreaction (well, unless you count the stories about Cheryl Cole being a talented and wonderful woman, now there's a poison that should be wiped out...)
In a month's time I could be writing this and half the country could be dead (I might be sitting here sniffing a bit myself...) in which case I'll admit I was wrong, but in the meantime, I reckon this is about as serious as a wrist sprain...Remember years ago when we were told in a years time you'll all know someone with AIDS...to this day I don't know anyone with fucking AIDS, how about you lot...(I mean do you know anyone, not have you got it...)
Still, Swine Flu keeps Jonathan Ross off the front page so it can't be all bad. Now, if that fat cunt was to catch it then that might be news...oh, no, it wouldn't because it's really not fatal...still, I live in hope.
Another earth shattering bit of news I heard the other day is that apparently, Miley Cyrus is one of the 100 most influential people in the world...er...right...Now who voted I don't know...( Readers of Heat, Bliss, Ok and Hello probably) it's probably true because the late Jade Goody once occupied a spot in that list as well....Is Miley to follow Jade to an early grave....? But anyway...Miley fucking Cyrus...spawn of Billy "achy breaky heart" Cyrus...sister of some little twat called Trace Cyrus (what happened to proper names..) in a band (sorry, I just started laughing at that when I saw it in print, band...fucking hell..) called Metro Station...(I know all this shit by the way because I've got a teenage daughter and, as those of you with teenagers will know, you tend to pick up useless shit like that from being around them...) A girl who likes to "rock out"...er..sorry, Miley but if you heard real rock music you'd shit blood, you little rat.
This is the girl who posed for some raunchy pictures at 15...yes, fucking 15, below the age of consent...now that's the kind of role model we all want for our daughters isn't it?....On that subject, just what is considered a good role model these days? Some brain surgeon, an economist, an athlete...no, someone like Jordan or Kerry Catona because they appeal to the dumb, sheep-like masses who see that there's no need for talent to make a few quid. Would Miley Cyrus ever have made it without her old man? I doubt it. Would the Osbourne kids? Er...probably not...Peaches Geldof...or even, I see Princess Anne's fucking kid is now using her name and connections to secure "huge" endorsement deals. Talk about keep it in the fucking family...
Right, that's it, I'm off down the Chemists to get some Night Nurse (maybe they should change it to Swine Nurse) and Lemsip (Swinesip..?), a few body bags, some breathing apparatus and some surgical masks..cough, cough.....See you next time, I hope...
An inspiration? A shining light? A great example to us all of how to make shit loads of money from absolutely no talent at all?
I'm talking of course about Jade Goody but could be referring to just about anyone on the celeb circuit (I live in hope of the joint burial of Jordan and Peter Andre and I'm not fussy, the fuckers don't even have to be dead...). Actually, while we're at it, lets dig a mass grave and shunt all these fucking no marks into it. Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, Girls Aloud, Piers Morgan etc. etc.
Here's an excerpt from the tape of her autopsy;
First pathologist; "Look inside this skull. I told you."
Second pathologist; "Spot on. No fucking brain at all."
I saw some pictures in the paper of Jade's funeral with people lining the route of the photo opportunity er, sorry, the cortege, throwing flowers at the hearse just like they did when Lady Diana was planted. Which planet do these fucking people come from? Well, Planet OK, obviously. If they'd been throwing hand grenades I might have joined in...Oh, how terrible for her children, they wailed...did no one notice that Natasha Richardson had died a few days earlier, a woman with kids and also that thing so elusive these days, talent? Did she make the front pages on such a grand scale? Did she fuck. The poor cow goes skiing and collides with a tree AND FUCKING DIES...shit. Now I've always thought skiing was a stupid past time personally, paying all that money to get cold, fall over and break bones, you can get much the same effect as skiing at home by simply throwing yourself downstairs and dumping a tray of ice over your head.
Jade could have helped herself, she was told to go back for check-ups. Mind you, I suppose the reminders were written down so that fucked her up having to struggle through all those words...
I did have a chuckle at Madonna getting turned down for her latest adoption/publicity stunt. She was shaken apparently. Fuck me, Madge, the first kid you hijacked wasn't even an orphan. Why not just give a few million to the kids village then lots of people could benefit and not just the one you fancy carrying around like a fucking fashion accessory.
A mate of mine and his wife have been trying to adopt now for about two years but can't get a child. Do you reckon he'd have more chance if he was a multi-millionaire? Er...no, surely not...Madonna and Angelina Jolie got their kids because they were such brilliant parental material didn't they, nothing to do with the shit loads of cash they've got.
Did anyone see that series of programmes on Channel 4 about teenagers watching porn? No, well, I'll enlighten you. Apparently one third of all teenagers get their sex education off porn sites and the Government are horrified. A Baroness was interviewed (yes, a fucking Baroness, a representative of the upper classes, the most sexually fucked up group of people this country has ever produced, people who shag their relatives when not shooting servants) who was an official spokesman for the government and her verdict on this terrifying state of affairs; "It's the parents responsibility". Well, what a fucking surprise. It's basically anyone's responsibility other than the Government and Christ knows the government should know about porn, Jacqui Smith's old man claimed back the cost of his porn movies on her expenses which WE PAY FOR....Apparently, one of the role models for glamour these days is Jordan...I shit you not, apparently girls like looking like cheap prostitutes. So much money, so little class.
Am I the only one who thinks that a nuclear holocaust might not be such a bad thing?
Still, Jamie Oliver's wife had another kid, that cheers everyone up doesn't it? Another lisping mockney unleashed on the world..fuck me. I don't know how she had time to squeeze out another sprog what with writing her kids books and all that. She also said that eating healthily is nothing to do with money but then again I suppose when your fucking husband earns four million a year then money isn't a consideration is it? So, she's got kids books out, Gordon Ramsey's wife's got a cook book out, Gordon Brown's wife's got a book coming out, Cherie Blair wrote (and got paid one million pounds advance) her autobiography and John Prescott's wife is writing a book too. "Living with a fat cunt" I believe was the original title. Wayne Rooney's fucking wife has got her own TV show, Joe Cole's girlfriend was on I'M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE. Abigail Clancy (Peter Crouch's girlfriend) and Danielle Lloyd (just about anyone's girlfriend if they can kick a ball straight) are now models and have their own work out DVD's out. No wonder some girls see being a WAG as a career possibility...By the way, I reckon that WAG doesn't really stand for Wives and Girlfriends...How about Whores and Gold diggers? More apt and more to the point don't you think?
Right, that's it, I'm off to pray for an outbreak of bubonic plague at HELLO...and ITV2, and HEAT and, and...
Right, that's it. I can't restrain myself anymore.
As you all probably know due to being bombarded on the fucking radio, TV and at the pictures, it's Red Nose Day very soon (might have even happened by the time you read this), that annual time when overpaid, waste of space so-called celebrities call upon all us hard working mortals to give our money while they swan around soaking up publicity.
Several of life's biggest mistakes including Chris Moyles, Fearne Cotton and Cheryl Cole are climbing some fucking mountain for charity and the whole country it seems has been sucked in to thinking they're fucking saints....These pampered cunts are supposedly climbing Mount Kilimanjaro and we're supposed to be impressed. I'm surprised that fat cunt Moyles can even climb the fucking stairs let alone anything else. Fearne Cotton will have to be led up on account of her incredible stupidity she won't be able to tell up from down and Cheryl Tweedy or Cole whatever you fucking want to call her (I'll settle for talentless Geordie slag) will return to find that her worthless fucking husband has spent another night in the cells for having a run in with the paparazzi. But the point is, they'll all, after a few days of very mild discomfort, return to privileged and pampered lifestyles and soak up the adulation of the media. And for what? Have they cured cancer? Helped world peace? Have they fuck. They've enjoyed a brief holiday before returning to their everyday massively well paid jobs. No worries about the credit crunch for them. No fears of repossession or loss of earnings or jobs. Fuck them all and what they stand for and, if people agree with them then fuck them too. I accidentally heard some fucking nobhead on the radio (a member of the public) say how moved he was by what they were doing...Jesus fucking Christ...what is wrong with people. Can no one see through this bullshit anymore. Moved! Why? If each of them gave a third of their hugely inflated yearly earnings then they could clear the third World debt, never mind buy some goats and a fucking well for a handful of Africans somewhere. And hopefully, this year, Lenny Henry will leave Dawn French at home if he visits Africa. I would have thought the last thing you want to see if you're starving to death is a woman who looks as if she eats 18 meals a fucking day.
No doubt some of you are wondering (or probably not) how I'm reacting to the news that Jade Goody is dying. Well, I wouldn't wish that on anyone but I won't lose any fucking sleep over it. There are thousands of people dying of cancer in this country as we speak and will they all be able to sell their stories so their families are left with no financial worries when they're gone? No chance.
So, we've had the photos of the wedding and the photos of the christening sold for a fortune to HELLO or OK. What next? Jade takes a dump photo exclusive? Apparently someone sneaked into her room carrying a hammer (weird how this happened just when the time for publicity is most apt..) maybe that'll be the next photo spread. So, when the terrible day finally comes when she shuffles off the coil of paparazzi flashbulbs (and I for one would not be surprised if a "miracle" recovery happened), will there be a lying in state held at the offices of HEAT magazine with thousands of Z list no-marks shuffling by and millions of would be Big Brother contestants all paying their respects to one of the ultimate symbols of not having to have one scrap of fucking talent to make shitloads of money? There'll be pullouts in the Sun, the Mirror and the Star that will rival the coverage of 9/11. The funeral will probably be live on Sky pay per view and millions will sob and wail at how she'll be missed and how much she impacted on their lives...God help us...
I just wish that some of these other so-called celebrities would take a leaf out of her book and fucking die too...
I've just got back from seeing WATCHMEN...fucking hell...if I was a fifteen year old boy I'd probably have loved it. The cinema was full of people who'd very obviously read the comic (yes, the comic, they aren't graphic novels, they're fucking comics) it was based on and who probably loved it. I thought it was horrendously long, pretentious, lacking any sense of humour, took itself far too seriously was poorly acted and directed and lumbered with a script that veered between ridiculous and boring. I accept suspension of disbelief in cinema but not suspension of intellect. No doubt people who like it will tell me I just didn't get it...sorry, I did get it and what I got stunk. It was of course directed by the "visionary" (the word of the marketing men, certainly not mine..) director Zack Snyder who also gave us that exercise in hype and overrated shite "300." If Mr Snyder is a visionary then I'm Joan of Arc...The critic in the Mail (himself a twat...) said that if Watchmen was a success then he feared for the future of the cinema. What an optimist...thinking the cinema has a fucking future! More prequels, sequels, remakes, comic book adaptations and updates...hardly a future to anticipate eagerly.....Mind you, GRAN TORINO is excellent (not the film I think the guy in the queue behind me was anticipating I fear, "I think it's based on a video game," I heard him say to his missis...that would be Grand Turismo you were thinking of you fucking dummy...)
Nice to see Clint Eastwood as an angry, pissed off guy bemoaning the state of the world....now I wonder why I identified with his character...?