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I was trying to come up with a clever intellectual title for this page but then thought bollocks, if people wanted clever intellectual stuff they'd be reading Bret Easton Ellis (I don't fucking think...)
Anyway, this is me speaking to you, direct (well, sort of).
Want to ask me something? Click here.
Sorry, me again. No, this really is the last one...honest, guv.. It's just a quickie anyway.
I was making a cup of tea this morning (how fucking interesting eh?) and the radio is on in the kitchen as usual (it is even when I'm working outside in the office, not that you care I know but I'm filling in details in case you want to picture it..). So, I'm standing there listening to the news while the kettle boils and they start talking about politics and hand over to their political correspondent...nothing unusual there I know but, (drum roll..) this is Radio One....
A political correspondent on Radio fucking One...you are kidding me...
"Yeah so, well, right, it's really cool here outside the Houses of Parliament. It's like a big building with lots of dudes in who are all really old right, get me? Some are like, you know like, almost in their forties right? Wow, how freaky is that? And there isn't one single poster up of Kanye West or Timbaland. I mean, no wonder young people aren't interested in politics. It's like well out of touch, know what I mean, man. But anyway, isn't Tony Blair cool because he once met Oasis, right. My dad told me, that. I wasn't born then. This new geezer, this Brown bloke, he's like well old. Almost two hundred and six I think. He looks it anyway. He should get some tips on skin care from Victoria Beckham or from Kylie or from any of Girls Aloud. Hear what I'm saying? So, anyway..."
It might as well have been that...
A political correspondent on Radio One...Jesus...and next week, Vernon Kay investigates the phenomenon of black holes in the parallel universe using Einstein's theorem. That will be followed by Edith Bowman giving her thoughts on why the Charge of the Light Brigade happened. Just before the Sara Cox guide to etiquette...
Give me a fucking break...
I suppose the fact that Radio One got that intellectual giant Fearne Cotton to interview princes Harry and William should have tipped me off really...Christ, she's an irritating bitch isn't she? Another one you can't turn on the TV without seeing. It must be such a comfort to X FACTOR losers to be greeted by such a completely talentless sack of shit when they're booted off...A bit like saying, "look at me, I've got even less talent than you have but I'm minted, now, tell me what your favourite colour is...ooh, by the way, did you know I had a tattoo on my foot.." Pity it's not on your fucking head, Fearne...preferably put there by the barrel of a .44 that's been held very close to your temple prior to blowing the dust between your ears away...
"oh, you're a miserable bastard, Shaun," I hear you scream..."Fearne's such good fun, always smiling.." Yeah, and so are lobotomy victims...
I think the current music scene just looked and sounded even worse today for me because I watched a programme about Pink Floyd last night. Genuine genius. What a band. They wouldn't even get a fucking recording contract these days...Blokes who can play instruments and write lyrics, fuck that...a bit too radical in these days of manufactured pop groups and rap...I bet Fearne Cotton would have loved interviewing them..."So tell me about DARK SIDE OF THE MOON. The moon, that's in the sky isn't it? Wow, cool. I love the track Money because I've got loads of it but I didn't have to work hard for it like you dudes, how cool is that? Did you know I've got a tattoo on my foot..." I think Floyd were accidentally thinking about Radio One listeners when they wrote a track on THE WALL. "Comfortably Numb" anybody...
And, surprise, surprise, as I was retreating from the kitchen with my tea and kit-kat (just filling in a bit more detail..) what do they start playing but Leona Lewis's single. Are there any other songs on the radio at the moment? I was flicking through the music channels on SKY with my daughter again the other night (that's my way of keeping up with what's hip and happenin' in the cool world of pop music...) and it was the same on there...Every other song was Leona Lewis. The only channels she wasn't on were KERRANG and SCUZZ...I mean, don't get me wrong, she can sing but, Christ...if it's not her its GIRLS ALOUD...How many fucking singles do they release in a year? I reckon about 30, and at least three albums...Mind you, once they finish their recording careers (in about six months hopefully..) they can always get jobs at Radio One as political correspondents or mathematicians...except for Greedy Tweedy (the silly bitch who married Ashley fucking Cole..who, according to one of my daughter's magazines, bears an uncanny resemblance to Mariah Carey...can't wait until Liverpool next play Chelsea..). Considering who her husband is, she should be offered the gynaecology slot because her knowledge of twats must be immense....
Right, that's definitely enough...I'm off..
Merry Xmas.
Yeah, yeah, I know, these rants etc. are like buses, nothing for months then three come along at once...
I'm sort of winding down for Xmas so I thought, why not give the wonderful bastards who visit the website a bit more to go on, eh? (about fucking time I hear you shout..)
Now here's a thought. Has anyone ever said to you or have you heard it said;
"If you don't laugh, you don't get it."
Yes, me too. People said that to me about Vic Reeves and Harry Hill to name but two. If I don't laugh I don't get it...sorry, that's bollocks.
IF I DON'T LAUGH, IT'S NOT FUCKING FUNNY...
Simple. Critics do that a lot. If it's a book, film, comedian or whatever the fuck it is, if people don't agree with their opinions, they say it's because they don't get it. Don't understand it. Fuck off, I say. And, going back to the examples I mentioned, there was a programme on Channel 4 recently about the greatest stand up comedians ever and Harry Hill was voted above Bill Hicks...Who the fuck voted? Harry Hill's family? This isn't a matter of taste, this isn't a matter of personal preference. It's a matter of fact. Bill Hicks was a genius. Harry Hill does the voice over for YOU'VE BEEN FRAMED for fuck's sake...Is Harry Hill political? Is his humour deep and probing about what's wrong with our society? Is it fuck. And to put that twat who wears brothel creepers and a shirt with a big collar above one of the most innovative and challenging minds in comedy history is ridiculous. These 100 best shows are usually bollocks because people are given a list of comedians, books, Tv or films to pick from by "critics" so the list is false anyway. If you're picking your 100 favourite comedies of all time and NAPOLEON DYNAMITE isn't even on the list to begin with then you're fucked, right. When the result for the 100 best comedies came up, MONSIEUR HULOT'S HOLIDAY was in the top ten...now don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against Jacques Tati but I'm willing to bet money if you stop ten people in the street and ask them their favourite comedy films then a 1950's black and white French film isn't going to be one of the ones they mention...Similarly, out of the 100 top war films, how many "normal" people will honestly name HIROSHIMA, MON AMOUR as a favourite? Honestly....These polls are fixed and twisted by critics to accommodate their own tastes and to make it seem as if they have a kind of specialist knowledge that ordinary people don't have. Bollocks. Certain film critics I freely admit, are knowledgeable people, people like Pauline Kael, Alexander Walker and Roger Ebert for example but when some little twat on Radio One is calling himself a film critic then forget it. Go on then, sunshine, tell us all what a Chinese angle is and which film used them so predominantly in the 40's. Can't do that? Ah, well, you can tell us how much you liked GOOD LUCK CHUCK instead then...fucking hell...What makes it all worse is that the programme for the 100 best whatever the fuck it is is then presented by Jimmy fucking Carr....Is that twat ever OFF the fucking TV? Jesus. There's another example of me "not getting it". I have never, repeat NEVER, heard that dickhead say anything even vaguely amusing. Irritating little cunt...And yet, he's everywhere...Give some work to some up and coming and little known performers not to the same old fucking faces over and over again.
On the subject of criticism it's even getting harder to find any magazine or paper that is happy to openly criticise actors, novelists or "celebrities" because they're all too worried about offending them. They daren't slag off the new Tom Cruise film for example (and I don't mean LIONS FOR LAMBS which is not bad at all..) in case he finds out about the bad review and then refuses to do an interview. A case in point is Quentin Tarantino. Another one who is such a media darling and who has actually made one half decent film (PULP FICTION) in his fucking career. This year saw the emergence of that steaming pile of dog shit that was DEATHPROOF. However, in the eyes of TOTAL FILM magazine, this piece of shit became a five star masterpiece. Why? Because they were frightened of offending the chinny one in case they couldn't interview him in the future. WHERE'S YOUR BALLS, YOU WEAK FUCKERS? DEATHPROOF was appalling almost beyond belief and if you couldn't see that then YOU don't get it, or, more to the point, you don't understand film (I'm talking about the critics now, by the way, not you lot..) If Tarantino ever makes a film about real life instead of about other films then I might be impressed. As long as he's content to nick plots and ideas from obscure films that he spent his adolescence watching then sorry, count me out. Referencing movies like DIRTY MARY, CRAZY LARRY and TWO LANE BLACKTOP, THE WILD BUNCH, CITY ON FIRE (the plot was stolen and used for RESERVOIR DOGS) and lots of old Kung Fu movies etc. etc. in your own films doesn't make you a genius, it makes you a fucking geek who can't write more meaningful dialogue of your own! By the way, before anyone jumps up and says "well you mention Peckinpah films and you're influenced by early Scorsese films, Shaun, so you can't talk," I've never tried to pretend otherwise but I'm not trying to educate or preach to anyone or pretend I'm a fucking expert...There's a difference between homage and rip-off...The whole idea behind that film originally called GRINDHOUSE was bullshit anyway. Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez (the new Sam Peckinpah as I saw him called once, yeah, right...) made two films as a double bill that were supposed to be like films from the seventies. To make it more authentic the pictures were grainy or cracked because that's what film stock was supposed to look like in the seventies, these were "exploitation" films, man," as Quentin gleefully announced. Er..one problem here. Double bills in the seventies in flea pits weren't exploitation films (very very few of them were) and, having spent most of my formative years in a flea pit watching some of the finest films ever made I can hardly bear to break it to little Quentin that the quality of the film stock itself was fine and films break down in modern multiplexes too. One more thing, by my reckoning, little Quentin was about ten during the seventies so, maybe he didn't spend as much time in run down shit hole cinemas as he'd have us believe....Oh, dear...naughty boy...I've sat in some fucking rough cinemas in my days but despite the fact that some were shit holes, it never affected the quality of the film on the screen, sorry Quentin...You see, some of us DO get it and some of us see through it...So, what happens, the film's released in the states and it bombs. According to the trendy mags and critics it bombed because "people didn't get it". WRONG...it bombed because it was shit...don't tell us what to think, you cunts...We can think for ourselves.
As I'm ranting about films here's some I've seen recently;
THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD - slow, tedious and self important.
BEE MOVIE - enjoyed it but a bit slow in the middle for little kids..
AMERICAN GANGSTER - pretty good. Great performance from Denzel Washington.
GOOD LUCK CHUCK - Jesus, someone was paid money to write this...
LIONS FOR LAMBS - wordy but pretty good.
There you go, I'm a fucking film critic....
Right, that's me done for good now. I think I've just written more in this rant than I've written for the last two months...
Once more, all of you have a wonderful Xmas and New Year and I hope you all get what you want from the big fat guy that comes down the chimney....what Santa will bring you, I can only imagine...
It's been fun. No honest, it really has.
All the very best,
Shaun
Yes, it's me again...
A piece of news that might interest you all at long last...
The next novel is called BODY COUNT and it will be out next August, in hardback, published, as usual, by Warners.
Obviously I'm not going to give bits of the plot away here and now but it's about a detective trying to track down the source of some snuff movies in which known criminals have been slaughtered. He's got some shit going on in his life too (like all my central characters have..). His daughter's gone missing his marriage is on the rocks and the woman he's been having an affair with has left him (yes, it's laughs all the way with Hutson..). All these things tie in together as he hunts for the makers of these snuff movies ultimately becoming the subject of one. That's all I'll say except its got chainsaws, rabid dogs, nail guns, self mutilation, gang rape and some of the vilest killings I've ever written (I hope...), oh, and one of the most repulsive sex scenes I've ever done too...Keep your eyes peeled for some sample chapters which I'll send to Graeme to post on the site very soon.
On a different matter, and I can't let this go...just when you think the world can't get anymore fucked up, what happens...THE FUCKING SPICE GIRLS REFORM...Jesus Christ, what have we all done to deserve that? Sixty million for a World tour but it's obviously not enough, they're doing a Tesco's advert for one million each as well...fuck me, that'd be enough to get me shopping at Sainsbury's. The very idea that these overpaid sacks of shit wheel their trolleys around Tesco's is a joke. Please all advertisers, don't take us for twats....Not quite so easily anyway. It's as bad as seeing Julie Walters and Ian Wright in Asda uniforms in another ad....Or Alan Hansen pushing his trolley around fucking Morrisons...That's something else that fucks me off intensely. The fact that these "celebrities" aren't content with their massive salaries from their TV or Film work, they have to do adverts or voice-overs too. How much money can you fucking spend, you whores? How much do you need? Actresses on five million a film are promoting perfume for shitloads more. Singers on millions an album are selling their own perfume for yet more cash. Apparently, seventy per cent of all perfumes sold this Xmas will be scents endorsed by "celebrities"...fuck me, who would want to smell like Paris Hilton or David Beckham? Do people imagine that buying these perfumes will give them a slice of that kind of lifestyle. Surely no one is that naïve...are they? Gary Lineker earns upwards of one million a year presenting MATCH OF THE DAYand more for writing a column for a national newspaper and yet still he finds it necessary to sell us all fucking crisps too...You greedy cunt..All of you money grabbing, fame seeking bastards should try endorsing shotguns. Stick them in your mouths and pull the triggers. Does it remove your whole head or just half of it? Do you need a double barrel or will a single do it? Here, hold still Paris and I'll find out...
These adverts should be done by up and coming or struggling actors and actresses, the voice overs by genuine voice over artists, the perfumes promoted by working models NOT by fuckers who are rich enough already. Mind you, maybe all these celebrity perfumes are a good idea because, to my mind, the world these fuckers inhabit stinks...
Right, if I don't speak to you all before Xmas, have a wonderful time and hopefully I'll see you in the New Year.
I'd just like to say a huge thankyou here and now to Graeme for running the site again this year so brilliantly. For putting up with me being late with the answers and everything else and just generally for keeping the site going and for doing such a great job on it. And to all you wonderful bastards who continue to write in or just to visit it, I thank you too.
Once again, have a fucking superb Xmas.
Right, so I'm pottering around the house, just finished hoovering and cleaning etc... (no, I'm serious..) and there's a knock on the door. Who's standing there when I answer it? A Jehovah's Witness... Do I tell him to fuck off? Do I tell him we're a family of Satanists and hope it scares him off or do I ask him why his religion believes in God but doesn't believe in God's son? No, what do I do? I do like everyone else, buy two copies of the Watchtower and tell him I haven't got time to talk... Then I feel guilty about it... These people are always so bloody NICE aren't they? You want to offer them a cup of tea or at least give them a fiver for the Watchtower but you never do, do you?
Now, I believe in God, don't get me wrong (by the way, don't worry, I'm not going to start rabbiting on about ecclesiastical issues, I'm just thinking aloud) but there's a bit of me that can't understand Jehovah Witnesses. I don't agree with any religion shoving its doctrines down your throat and, in my humble opinion, knocking on your door to talk about your doctrines counts as ramming beliefs down your throat. If I was interested in becoming a JW, I'd find out the nearest branch and sign up, if you know what I mean.
I also don't like the fact that they think everyone but them is damned. The only people worse seem to be the mormons... On the other hand, Jehovah Witnesses and Mormons have never (to my knowledge) engaged in civil wars or religious genocide the way Catholics and Protestants have... Most religions seem so fucking intolerant of each other just as most people seem intolerant of beliefs other than their own. Now, they say the things that you should never discuss are religion, politics and money (well, don't discuss them with your friends anyway..) so maybe I should shut the fuck up and get on to slagging off the latest bunch of no-marks appearing in I'M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE... however, bear with me for a minute. Most organised religions seem to have caused nothing but suffering over the years so maybe I should have stood and chatted with my very nice and polite JW at the door instead of pretending that I had a soufflé in the oven that was about to implode or telling him that my baby was about to wake up and would need breast feeding...
The thing I'm trying, very ineffectively, to say, is that I can't understand people like that. I suppose I envy their dedication and their beliefs in a way. To feel strongly enough about something that you're prepared to chance ridicule and abuse is something I suppose I should aspire to, not ignore. However, I did think after he'd gone, maybe they'd be more successful at recruiting if they weren't so bloody nice... For instance, perhaps they should create a sort of JW Totenkopf (Death's head) division. Really nasty fuckers...
JW: Morning sir, have you got time to talk about God?
Me: Sorry, mate, give me two copies of the Watchtower though.
JW: You bastard. You complete bastard. You reckon two copies of the Watchtower are going to save you. What a cunt. Now listen to what I've got to say or I'll smite you here and fucking now...
That kind of thing...
Just a thought.
Right, you're probably all thinking, I've lost it once and for all now so...
Aren't Ant and Dec a pair of cunts?... (better?)... I live for the day when those two dickheads are actually IN the fucking jungle. Not on a programme but just in it... prey for insects and God knows what else and forced to eat each other to stay alive. Now that's a programme I'd watch and enjoy.
Must just say, on an unrelated subject, what a relief England got booted out of the EURO qualifiers. Why? I'll tell you. Because now we won't have to put up with twats driving around all next summer with fucking flags on their cars and people who've never been to a match in their lives walking around in England shirts talking about how so and so should play 'in the hole' or that the ball should be played 'down the channels'... Also, it might be safe to nip in a pub without having to fear that some tattooed nobhead is going to vomit on you after watching a match. It means that people won't have to pretend they like football for a month just so their mates at work will talk to them... Sacking McClaren was stupid. Whoever takes over is still going to have the same dog-shit set of players to work with. He should have been knighted, not sacked...
Anyway... religion and football eh? I've probably pissed a few people off by now so I'll fuck off.
Take care of yourselves until next time...
I'm sitting here typing this listening to SOMEWHERE IN TIME by Iron Maiden. Yes, I know, that was 1988, I've told you before that I'm stuck in a time-warp... But anyway, it's ten times better than most of the shit that gets pumped out these days so, at the risk of sounding like an old fart, they really don't make music like that anymore (well, apart from Maiden, obviously..). But that wasn't the point of this rant.. (I'm not sure what was actually..), oh, yeah, just remembered...
Now, the album I'm listening too was written and performed twenty odd years ago and I tell you what, if I could have had a crystal ball then I would now be doing something other than writing... Who the fuck would have thought that the publishing business would have descended so far into the shit that;
1. People like Jordan and Chris Moyles would have number one bestsellers (with Kerry Catona's novel also now out don't forget..)
2. That the most powerful people in publishing would be two past it day time TV hosts (Richard and fucking Judy)
3. Fourteen publishers who had the manuscript of PRIDE AND PREJUDICE submitted to them with only the names changed were unable to spot that they'd just read thinly disguised Jane Austen.
4. Anyone who's vaguely well known (or not) in so-called showbiz, could get a fucking book published be it biography or novel.
Basically, the book and film business are richer than they've ever been and are producing more shit than they've ever produced before. The public obsession with 'celebrity' has spiralled out of control and, in my humble opinion, the world has turned to shit.
Some fucking politician yesterday in the paper had the nerve to suggest that the public gets its moneys worth from M.P.'s. Oh, really. I know these fucking people make a living out of talking bollocks but that takes the biscuit. MP's are worth the money, right and Kate Nash is the new Madonna...
Right, the album's coming to an end so I'm off. I'd rant for longer but I know it gets boring after a while and, besides, what's the fucking use. Nothing is going to change this fucking world is it? No wonder Bill Hicks used to pray for nuclear holocaust when he was pissed off...Fine sentiments Bill and, wherever you are, I think you're better off than the rest of us...
...And another thing... That Amy Winehouse... Don't get me started... Her parents are asking her fans to help with her addictions.. Fuck me, how much is she worth? Can't she buy her own fucking drinks... (Ha, ha, oops Shaun lets rip with a bit of sick humour...)
The papers are bleating on about how these pop stars have to go to rehab THEY DON'T HAVE TO... If they didn't get hooked on drugs and drink they wouldn't fucking need it would they? If normal people get addicted they have to cope, they haven't got the money to sod off to the Caribbean for a holiday to have a rest... (oh, and before anyone gets on their high horse, I'm speaking as a recovering alcoholic, and no, nobody ever forced me to drink I did it because I wanted to and I never fucking moaned about it... Did Bon Scott or Jon Bonham ever moan about their drink problems, no, they choked on their own vomit... Now there's a pointer for Amy...)
Robbie Williams is depressed... Excuse me while I have a bit of a weep for him... DEPRESSED, the twat's got eighty million quid in the bank. Get a proper job, Robbie and see what real depression is, you whining bastard. And yet, instead of these pampered, overpaid, preening, publicity hungry fuckers being pilloried they are pitied by the celebrity rags and the tabloids... My opinion, for what it's worth... Fuck them... Each and every one of them. Do you reckon nurses, doctors, firemen, ambulancemen and policemen ever get depressed? I'm betting they do... Have they got more to be depressed about than pop stars or celebrities? Fucking right they have. Do we read about their condition constantly in our papers? No we fucking don't...
Tell you what, I'll do a deal with you, if it'll take only one more fix to kill Pete Doherty then I'M BUYING... One more drink to kill Amy Winehouse.. I'LL GET THEM IN... Give me a fucking break... As the very great and sadly late Bill Hicks used to say, "John Lennon is shot dead and yet George Michael is still making records..." You were right, Bill... Robert Palmer died of a heart attack and yet Girls Aloud just can't seem to climb into the private jet with the dodgy engine can they?... Joe Strummer dies but Jay Z is producing another album... And Fifty Cent, shot nine times and still alive, who but a rap fan could fuck up a shooting like that? If you're going to carry guns you big hard rappers then learn to use the fucking things, at least that way when Piss Diddly (or pouf duddy or whatever the fuck he calls himself this week) and Snoop Dog are shooting at each other we'll know there'll be a couple of worthwhile casualties... Why not try encouraging kids to follow your working example instead of telling them it's right to wave guns around and treat women like shit... (Or am I just old-fashioned...) Wow, restores your faith in humanity doesn't it?...
This is officially a rant by the way, I wasn't just killing time.
Anyway, seen any good films lately? I haven't...
Fucking hell, according to my computer, this colour I'm now using is sea green... How many seas have you ever seen that are this colour? And certainly not around the shores of this sceptred isle..shit brown with condoms floating in it might be more appropriate but it wouldn't look so good on a Dulux colour chart would it?)
As ever, thanks for all the questions and queries and praise and kind words.
I've just finished the first draft of next year's book (more details in due course) and I'm doing some more stuff under pseudonyms. One of those will not be Jordan... Fuck me (sorry, wrong words to use after her name as I'm probably the only bloke in England who hasn't..) Honestly though, who the fuck buys a novel by Jordan? (Well, it's not by her is it, it's by a ghost writer. Naomi Campbell did the same thing a few years back and got, rightly, crucified for it but everyone seems to accept that it's o.k. for fucking Jordan to do it..) If anyone has then let me know why? I was doing signings in Essex the other week and one shop had done a proper signing session with Jordan and SEVEN THOUSAND people had turned up... Not seven hundred..SEVEN FUCKING THOUSAND..This isn't jealousy by the way (I'm happy with my breasts the way they are and I never fancied Peter Andre or Beppe out of Eastenders or Dean Gaffney etc. etc.) I just cannot understand why anyone would want to a) use Jordan or any of the other HELLO and O.K. dwelling no-marks as role models and b) would want to part with hard earned cash to buy her book when you could get the same effect by looking into a recently used toilet for free..
If anyone out there can answer these questions then I'd be genuinely interested. However, I think the chances of any of my readers having bought a Jordan book is pretty slim.
No doubt the latest bunch of retarded social misfits to come spewing out of the BIG BROTHER house will be queuing up to write their autobiographies and, even more scarily, publishers will be waiting to offer them money to do it..It's a real chicken and egg problem, I reckon. If people didn't buy celeb magazines then these nobodies would sink into the obscurity they so richly deserve but, as long as people are obsessed by what kind of toilet paper Kerry Catona uses, then this world will continue to be polluted by rags like HELLO.
I've been watching HELL'S KITCHEN too, with more so-called celebs trying to boost their careers while simultaneously cooking a soufflé..I think Marco Pierre White is great but, do these programmes with normal people for fuck's sake, not the same old faces all the bloody time... They get on the celebrity circuit and they're everywhere..Christine and Neil Hamilton, boy band members, Girls Aloud..fucking hell, do us all a favour and fuck off..
THE X FACTOR is in full swing too. Loads of would be popstars saying "Music is my life, I love to sing." Now, call me stupid, but, if you were that dedicated, wouldn't you send demo tapes/CDs to record companies and be out gigging every night? No, oh, it's just me then is it? If it's not the X FACTOR it's YouTube. Frightening. I had a brief look at it the other night... And people wonder why society is fucked..There's a line from a Seether song that goes something like this... "I don't believe in this world anymore..."
Amen to that...
See you next time folks, time for me to up my medication...
Hi Graeme
I would just like to say that a massive thank you for all the hard work you have done for the website over the year's. I don't know what I would have done with out you.
I would like my Fans to know that with out Graeme the site wouldn't be as fantastic as it is. It is very much appreciated.
Please feel free to let Graeme know what a great job he is doing.
Cheers Shaun
Now I know that most of you have got proper jobs which means that you're not sitting on your arses watching TV at four in the afternoon but some of you must do shifts or just put the telly on when you've got days off, right? Somebody must have seen DEAL OR NO DEAL.
I've never seen anything like it in my bloody life... People go on there talking about strategies and how to play the game... IT'S PURE FUCKING LUCK... You've got twelve identical boxes and no one knows what's in them. You guess where the money is... No tactics, no skill. LUCK. It's one of the few programmes on TV that requires absolutely no intelligence or skill at all. Just blind fucking luck.
Sorry, had to get that off my chest. Don't know why but you know how little things bug you from time to time...
Also, the comedy channel are running a competition asking people to vote for their top ten episodes of SOUTH PARK... Am I the only person who still thinks that programme is a work of genius? Yes, oh, alright then... Oh, just one more thing. There was a programme on channel 4 last week about the top stand-up comedians of all time and Bill Hicks came sixth, beaten by Harry Hill and Peter Kay... Who the fuck voted? Hicks was a genius so sadly missed (especially by me...), and the other two...give me a fucking break...
Right, on to the questions...
I suppose I could have waited until tomorrow and dated this 1st March but the thought of fucking Spring coming just depresses me...Yes, it's another cheery communication from your favourite miserable bastard...
Sorry about that. I hate the summer though. I hate the hot weather, the kids running about like demented dervishes until ten at night (yes, I know I've got my own...) sweating, blokes in shorts and socks, no football to watch, shit TV (alright, I admit it isn't exactly great in the Winter but who cares...) and people with tans...I get SAD in reverse, I fucking hate the hot weather. As a very great man once said;
"I have to retire all my great jackets for a season..."
Thanks, Bill...
Not even as if we had a decent winter is it? By decent I mean the possibility of frostbite if you set foot outside the house, snow deeper than Siberia and the possibility of seeing snow leopard footprints around your bird table on particularly nippy mornings...
Sorry, I'll stop raving...
Oh, well, here goes...another bloody year...
Hope you all had a Happy Xmas and a Happy New Year to all of you..
I actually took three weeks off for Xmas (my only holiday of the year) alright, put the fucking violins away, you bastards...
I've just finished some extra work on UNMARKED GRAVES and that's going off to the publishers tomorrow. I'll then be working solid for two months on another book, a biography...Not mine I hasten to add (well, it wouldn't be would it, it'd be an autobiography if it was mine...you know what I mean..).
I was asked to write the biography of a good friend of mine in showbiz (no, it's not anyone from Maiden..) which will be published in Autumn. More details when they're available...
After that I'll start preparing my own new novel which will be published in 2008. A few ideas lurking about but I'll keep my mouth shut until I've started...
I've just got back from the pictures (surprise, surprise) where I saw a thing called THEM, a French film. If anyone else has seen it I'd like to know your opinion because it scared the shit out of me...The most scared I've been in a cinema since THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT...(well, apart from the time that I spilt coffee on my jeans and looked as if I'd pissed myself but that's another story...)
I also recently saw ROCKY BALBOA...fucking brilliant...God I love Sly. My missis bought me the Rocky box set for Xmas so me and my daughter sat and watched Rocky 1,2,3,4 and 5 back to back over about four nights...magic...
Right, onto the questions...