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I was trying to come up with a clever intellectual title for this page but then thought bollocks, if people wanted clever intellectual stuff they'd be reading Bret Easton Ellis (I don't fucking think...)
Anyway, this is me speaking to you, direct (well, sort of).
Want to ask me something? Click here.
Is it just me or are people generally more ignorant these days? For example, if you're sitting or standing in a line somewhere and someone wants to get past has anyone noticed the amount of people who don't even ask if they can get by? They just fucking stand there until you move and never say thanks on the way past... For instance, I was in the pictures the other day and this bloke and his girlfriend want to get past to an empty seat on my row. Now, the logical thing, you'd think, would be to say "excuse me, mate, can we get past, please". Oh, no, not this cunt, he stands there until I realize he wants to get through then barges past without a fucking thank you. Perhaps I should have apologized to him. "Oh, sorry, mate, my psychic powers are a bit down today, I didn't realize you wanted to get past with your pig-like girlfriend and sit in these two seats. Many apologies, you ignorant sack of shit." And that happens a lot... I saw it happen the same day to two other people too... What's wrong with these fucking people?...
Same thing on the carparks. Someone else must have found this. You're driving around looking for a space to park and people are happily walking into the road either without fucking looking or expecting the cars to slow down and let them pass. GET OUT OF THE FUCKING ROAD YOU PRICKS... I feel like running them over just to teach them a lesson. Jesus, "road for cars, path for people."... Fucking dickheads.
So, I come out of the pictures the other day after seeing GET SMART (pretty poor I'm afraid... ) and decide to pick up the spare pair of glasses I need. "Sorry Sir, we seem to have lost them"... LOST THEM... between the door and the fucking lab...Jesus. And that was after I sat there for twenty minutes waiting for the dozy bitch to tell me they'd lost them. Optical Express. That's a fucking laugh. Not much express about it. Pricks.
So, back to rudeness. I'm sitting on the plane on the way home, shitting myself about the flight because I'm terrified of flying but pleased because it looks like there's a couple of empty seats beside me (Virgin Airways couldn't quite manage to get three seats together you see. It must be so difficult to do... ) then what happens, some big fat fucker gets on and not only fills his own seat, he puts his pudgy fucking arms on the arm of the chair and practically oozes into my seat too. The overweight twat then proceeds to snore loudly for the first hour of the flight (until I trod on his foot) then wakes up for the food (surprise, surprise..), stuffs his face then falls asleep again and snores like a wino with a bottle of turps inside him again. I'm trying to watch NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, deafening myself because I'm having to turn up the volume to drown this fat bastard's snoring out. The only thing I could think to do was turn my reading light on. That didn't work so I reached over and turned his on as well... childish I know but what the fuck. Either pay for two seats or go on a diet you fat fuck...
Just a quickie on the subject of aeroplanes (which I'm terrified of as I said..) I did think during the crash instructions how pointless the whole thing is. They stick 300 people in a metal tube, surround you with thousands of gallons of aviation fuel, lift you up to 30,000 feet then tell you to relax... do me a favour... I know that statistically I've got more chance of being killed on the road but none of that registers when you're in the air does it...
Anyway, back to earth, so to speak. A new series of THE X FACTOR, Big Brother still on... no mark city on TV then... more fame hungry wannabes desperate to get on screen (and that's just the fucking judges on the X FACTOR..) Personally, I'd be insulted to be told by Cheryl Cole that I couldn't sing. A bit like being told by Hitler that your political views were a bit right wing... Stick to selling your life secrets to HELLO and OK you dozy bitch... or, better still, to keeping your cheating husband in check... So, until Xmas, the screen is infested with thousands of people whose "lives are singing"... as I say every fucking year, if your life is singing then why haven't you sent demos to record companies and agents? Rather wait the once a year for the X FACTOR eh? Yes, very dedicated... "I want a better life for me and my family" they all shriek.. Join the fucking queue...
Just a quick word on BIG BROTHER... there's a blind bloke in there this year... I mean, I'm not being prejudiced but as a recovering post- op transsexual and a bloke with Tourettes have already won is anything going to stop the blind bloke? I think not. Expect wheelchair ramps leading into the house next year and a special intensive care unit inside for the new housemate. 'HERE'S FRED, HE'S BEEN IN A COMA FOR TWO YEARS BUT HE'S FAVOURITE TO WIN." Just behind the quadraplegic and the double amputee... And his autobiography comes out next month does it Davina?...Mind you, being in a fucking coma would put you slightly ahead of most housemates as far as intellect goes...
And Gary Glitter's coming home... lock up your kids... "Do you want to be in my Gang"... er..not really Gary... Dirty bastard, pity he didn't get fucking arse fucked to death in that Thai Jail. Oops, was that a little reactionary? Sorry, but political correctness was something that by-passed me I'm afraid... Maybe I should be working for THE DAILY MAIL. The other day some stupid cow in there said that DONKEY PUNCH was the most vile film ever made... Now, DONKEY PUNCH is shit and it's pretty horrible but, please... get a grip. This was the day after some other silly cunt had said that THE DARK KNIGHT was gratuitously violent and disturbing... Right, it probably should have been a 15 but please... don't overreact... What kind of world do these fuckers live in? Not mine or yours that's for fucking sure...
Anyway, I'm going to have a kick about with my brand new Premier League football...maybe if I stay out there long enough I'll stop being so aggressive. See you in about four years...
Here's a conversation I had a couple of days ago;
"Listen you twat, there's more than just rock music that's good you know. What a fucking arsehole. Fancy saying all other music is shit. You really talk out of your arse, don't you? I mean, what about Frank Sinatra or seventies disco or Abba. Fuck sake, you've got Clannad, Enya, Sinatra, Roxette, Madonna, Moby and Christ knows what in your own CD collection. You are a right cunt."
So I said;
"Well, I must admit, you've got a point, mum."......
AAAAHHHHHHHHHH...
The point I made about other music being shit was written on the back of hearing the fucking Ting Tings on the radio. But come on now, who can disagree with me that the music industry today churns out more shit than it ever has, spawns more one-off, over-hyped talentless fuckers than at any other time during its existence and has become a total joke! Want to disagree, fair enough, that's your right. It's also my right to say that REAL rock music is the only kind of music that moves me to the degree I like to be moved by music (well, apart from the Clannad, Enya, Sinatra, Abba and all the other stuff in my collection that I've got..)
I'm saying that now on the back of having seen Iron Maiden at Twickenham the other week (and no, I don't mean playing against The All Blacks..). They were superb. God forbid they ever decide to play Glastonbury (my comments about that stand by the way, maybe the music is sometimes ok but the whole thing has become so fashionable it makes me fucking sick. By the way, anyone who calls it Glasto should also be publicly stoned...)
On a related subject, I've not long got back from the pictures and was absolutely delighted to find that appalling fucking Radio One advert is no longer on...(cue fanfare and ticker-tape parade...). In its place is an advert for Cbeebies. Thank fuck for that, personally, I'd rather watch stuffed animals, some harassed kids presenter and a furry cactus that talks with a Mexican accent than listen to Pete fucking Westwood telling me that he like "smoothin' it out for his ladies." Twat.
What was I seeing when I was enveloped by this discovery you may ask. I'll tell you. It was MAMA MIA...(yes, I know..) At an afternoon performance the cinema was packed. And was the film "brilliant" (as Fearne fucking Cotton announced on the radio). No, it was reasonably entertaining but stage bound and I can't remember hearing songs so comprehensively slaughtered by actors and actresses since TOMMY but that's beside the point. The music was great. I think Abba were great and I love their music. Does that prove I'm open minded? No, ah, well, I'll just have to live with it then..
I've also seen KUNG FU PANDA (loved it) and PRINCE CASPIAN (a bit long and I know you're supposed to suspend disbelief but I can't cope with a talking badger and a sword fighting mouse, sorry..). The main thing that made the viewing of PRINCE CASPIAN bearable for me was that there were two very pretty girls in their early twenties in the row behind me who sat with their bare feet (yes, bare feet with perfectly pedicured toe nails...I know because I had a fucking good look...) on the back of the seat almost all the way through....Fuck me I'm a pervert...Only kidding...well, I'm not, they did sit with their bare feet on the back of the seats. And I bet when they read they sit with their legs curled beneath them...but anyway...
That was a point about cinema going I wanted to make to be honest. Does anyone else find their enjoyment of going to the pictures spoiled by 1. Dickheads talking (and talking loudly) 2. People eating 3. Mobile phones going off 4. People who insist on sticking their fucking legs through the gaps in the seats because they "can't get comfortable"...For fuck's sake..if you can't get comfortable then fuck off home and watch a DVD...
I think too many people have been brought up on a diet of DVD which they can pause when they like at home and they treat the cinema like their fucking living room. Talking, eating (why can some people not get through a two hour film without having to consume gallons of coke and bags of popcorn that would rupture Santa if he tried to lift them...fucking Nachos are even worse because they stink and they're loud) and checking their fucking mobiles every five minutes for messages. Fuck sake. Turn the fucking thing off! Apart from surgeons, no one has a job important enough that they can't switch off their mobile for the duration of a film...
Right, that's it. Just one other small point. I noticed in a paper the other day that someone was asking; IS WAYNE ROONEY THE NEW GASCOIGNE? Let's examine the facts quickly shall we? Gascoigne was a fat, overrated, pig ignorant twat with a publicity seeking wife and the intellect of a felt pen....fuck me, Rooney is the new Gascoigne...
Don't worry, I'm not going to start on about football. I'm enjoying the rest from it.
I'm now off to do some work and also to go to the pictures. DONKEY PUNCH opens tomorrow and one of the journalists in The Mail reckons it's the vilest film she's ever seen. I can't fucking wait....
So, I was in the kitchen making a cup of tea (yes, life really is that exciting..) and Radio One was on as it always is (those of you with small kids and also not so small kids will understand...) anyway, whoever was on, I think it was Jo fucking Whiley, is wittering on about Glastonbury and loads of dickheads are sending in texts and e-mails saying how much they're looking forward to it. For a start off I was wondering why anyone would want to spend a weekend camping in what passes for a pretty fair imitation of a First World War battlefield while listening to shit music (no, just remembered, Kate Moss was once spotted there wearing a pair of wellies wasn't she so obviously, it's trendy to go..) but, that wasn't the point of this rant.
Nearly everyone, including Jo fucking Whiley, who sent messages or spoke kept saying it was going to be AWESOME, or AMAZING, or INCREDIBLE...Just like when you open a paper and there's a poster for a film with line reviews on it and the film is "brilliant", or "incredible" or "jaw dropping"....What the fuck has happened to this world when it comes to superlatives! No one speaks in restrained language anymore (well, not in the fucking media anyway...) Even during the analysis for the Euro 2008 tournament. Players aren't just "good" or "effective"...vile little fuckers like Ronaldo are now AWESOME or INCREDIBLE. Actresses like Gwyneth Paltrow or Reese Witherspoon are AMAZING...a film like Sex in the City is (according to that well known film critic and movie archivist Edith Bowman) "a classic".....
STOP WITH THE FUCKING SUPERLATIVES...
If we're talking footballers, Maradona was an incredible player. If we're talking actresses, Meryl Streep is an amazing actress. And as for films, Taxi Driver is a classic. That's it. End of fucking argument.
A brilliant film, a classic album, an awesome footballer comes along once every ten or so years...and, to be honest, words like awesome should be reserved for other things...Er...
Curing cancer. Now that would be AWESOME.
Stopping inflation forever and restoring full employment. That would be BRILLIANT.
Ensuring that no one in the world starved. That would be AMAZING.
Some footballers are "pretty good" or, in the case of Fernando Torres "very good." Some actors are very good. A few albums are brilliant. One film a decade is a classic.
The language has been cheapened as much as life itself. By fucking journalists and other nobheads using superlatives so frequently, they dilute the value of these words when they're used in a proper context. This isn't a literary rant by the way, it's been triggered by the phrase "Gwyneth Paltrow was awesome." She has not and never fucking will be awesome. Gwyneth Paltrow is a reasonably good actress in the right part as long as she's got a decent script and a director can drag a performance out of her...end of fucking story...Climbing Everest is awesome. Landing on the fucking moon was awesome....Get some perspective you dozy fuckers...
This word is used most frequently at the moment in the Big Brother house and yes, I know you're all thinking why watch it if you hate it? I know, you're right, damn you....I can't help myself. I sit there every night watching those fame seeking tosspots, snarling incessantly at the screen while my missis tries to hear (when she's not doing something more interesting that is...) I can't not watch it. As a very very talented and sadly missed man once said..."I'm like a guy with a sore tooth. I can't stop touching it." Bill Hicks said that by the way and he really was AWESOME.
But anyway, getting back to another minor point from a programme I watched the other day. I was struck by the stupidity of the class system. Or, more to the point, the rich system. There's still a class system in this country, I know that. But the way people are divided up now seems to be more on their fucking money than on their background. There's the rich, the super-rich, the people in HELLO magazine and, beneath them there's the rest of us.
Now, this might sound radical but how about we have a new revolution in this country? Anyone who's ever appeared in HELLO or any of the other shit gossip mags, anyone who hasn't worked for their fucking money, anyone who considers being a WAG to be a career. Anyone who considers being a rap singer to be an acceptable career etc. etc. LET'S FUCKING KILL THEM....(and let's cripple anyone who uses the words awesome, amazing or brilliant on a regular basis)
Any takers?...Sorry, maybe it's just one of those days...
Right, I'm off to the pictures...
I had the misfortune of seeing THE RUINS yesterday. I saw TEETH last week and wasn't sure what to make of it. Was it meant to be funny in places? Any thoughts? I quite enjoyed THE INCREDIBLE HULK. I didn't like WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS but I rented out JUNO again and it confirmed what I thought the first time I saw it that it was one of the films of the year. INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL...er..make that the last one, eh? Finally, a note to the makers of PROM NIGHT...don't ever do that again you dumb fucks...note to self...it topped the US box office charts for about two weeks so what the fuck do I know...suppose it must have been awesome to those who liked it...
I give up...
Me again. I just noticed one or two things in the paper and it set me off...
Apparently, Peaches Geldof (that lisping waste of flesh and organs) has been caught on film taking drugs or buying drugs or something to do with drugs. But, and I'm sure you'll all be fucking delighted to know, she won't be prosecuted because of a legal loophole...what a fucking surprise; here's that legal loophole in full;
ANY SPOILT, TALENTLESS BRAT BELONGING TO SOMEONE FAMOUS WILL NOT BE PROSECUTED BECAUSE THERE'S ONE LAW FOR THE RICH AND ONE FOR THE POOR. THIS LAW ALSO APPLIES TO ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN IN HELLO OR O.K. MAGAZINE OR IS ON TV, RADIO OR ANY OTHER BRANCH OF THE MEDIA.
Wow, that's how it appears on the statute books apparently. Thought you'd like to know. It was that same loophole that stopped Pete Docherty going down for too long, that kept Paris Hilton out of nick (oh, my mistake, she did a day didn't she...) that saved Richard and Judy from a speeding fine etc. etc. etc.
Some woman in one of the papers apparently fears for Peaches...WHY?... If she o.d's that's one less leech in society. What is the fucking problem? Let's have a whip round and see if we can get enough smack together to speed the useless little twat on her way.
On a related topic, Paul Gascoigne, that well known mental defective and part-time footballer, is apparently in trouble again. The papers want us to feel sorry for him. All that fucking money he earned hasn't helped him, nor has possessing a God given talent and pissing it away like so many other footballers. Don't forget, this arsehole has also foisted Bianca Gascoigne on us, his step-daughter and inhabitor of shit reality shows like LOVE ISLAND...fucking hell, how much more do we have to take?
I've just got back from the pictures and had to, again, endure that shit advert with all the radio one DJ's on it talking about what kind of music they play...Now, years ago, no one cared what fucking DJ's looked like (where the hell do you think that phrase "a good face for Radio"came from?) but now, they want to be seen, they want to be recognised. They all want their fifteen minutes. Same with journalists. Why do we have to have little pictures of them over their columns? I read the papers to find out facts and opinions. What the writer looks like doesn't fucking matter. But, as usual, they want their fame too. It's not enough that people read what they write and they get ridiculously well paid for it...But, back to the brain dead twats at Radio One and that fucking advert. It features people like Tim Westwood throwing gang signs about as if he's a fully paid up member of the Wu Tang Clan...it also has some woman called Annie Mac in it talking (excuse me, but even remembering this makes me chuckle with derisory laughter...) about standing outside a club, "listening to the bass" and then, according to her, "get butterflies in your tummy because you know you've got a big night ahead of you." Oh, leave it out you silly cunt...A big night in a club? What's that? Trying to avoid being bottled by some drunken nob or, if you're a woman, attempting to avoid being vomited on by some oily little fuck in a flowery shirt who's trying to shag you while you dance?...
The DJ's tell us what kind of music they play in the ad...rock, drum and bass, singer songwriters (obviously a pretty short show these days..), dubstep...give me a fucking break. There are two kinds of music...ROCK MUSIC AND DOG SHIT...there you go and I didn't even have to work at Radio One to tell you that...
Talking of useless cunts, Geri Halliwell is signing her new kids book in Milton Keynes soon. You bet I'll be first in the queue...
"So Geri, in addition to not being able to sing, I see you can't fucking write either.."
Hey, get that security guard off me...
Gordon Brown's wife has got a book out. Kerry Catona's got another novel coming out. Jordan's new book is out. Is there anyone in the public eye who HASN'T written a fucking book? Meanwhile, I still get e-mails and letters from real people trying to get started in the publishing business. My honest advice would be don't even try but who the fuck am I to stamp on someone's dreams? It was just that when I started, talent seemed to count for something. Not anymore...Not in books, films, TV or anything else.
A little footnote to all this ranting is that, according to the papers, my mate James Whale has got sacked from his TALKSPORT show for advising his listeners to vote for Boris Johnson in the London Mayoral elections...a country of free speech, eh? Give me a fucking break...
I suppose this is a rant. No, fuck it, it is a rant. Just a word or two for Heather Mills basically...
You greedy, ungrateful, grabbing, selfish fucking bitch...
Jesus Christ, twenty four million and she's still not happy. What a fucking gold-digging piece of shit. It's a pity that motorbike didn't run over her fucking head instead of her leg...
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a great supporter of Paul McCartney (The Beatles were great but that's not the point here..). How can anyone not be happy with TWENTY FOUR MILLION quid? These fucking celebrities treat marriage as a career move, don't they? Same as the shit with Cashley Cole and Greedy Tweedy...She's so distraught about him shagging someone else where's the first place she goes? Divorce lawyer? Relate? Is it fuck. She goes to HELLO magazine... Same as these bastards who are depressed...(like Robbie Williams or Jordan or Kerry Catona)... I'm depressed, where do I go? A doctor? A psychiatrist? No, how about O.K. magazine... Fucking maggots...
And people still buy the magazines and the fucking books... Christ, no wonder Bill Hicks used to pray for nuclear holocaust every time he saw things like that.
Did anyone watch the SPORT AID thing? No, I didn't either... a few celebrities doing their bit for charity... How touching... Better idea. Why not hand over a tenth of your yearly earnings instead of trying to get people with real jobs to hand over their hard earned money? If Jonathan Ross, Ricky Gervais and half a dozen of the other publicity seeking twats involved in this kind of shit gave a percentage of their yearly earnings then we could clear the third world debt, never mind help some crippled kids.
Back to the Macca and Mucca divorce thing really. Apparently McCartney reckoned he had to sell the Beatles back catalogue to itunes to pay for the divorce... Give me a fucking break... What was wrong, Paul? Down to your last four hundred million were you, mate? Wondering how you were going to make ends meet... Jesus...
I think what set this off (apart from my inate hatred of all celebs..) is the fact that my very first literary agent Mr Bob Tanner died a couple of weeks ago. Bob was a real gentleman and, without him, I would never have made it (he also discovered James Herbert and published Stephen King in this country for the first time as well as having been Dean Koontz agent at the same time he was looking after me...) I didn't think I'd be so upset by it and looking around at all these fucking no marks just makes the loss of a genuine person like Bob even keener. If I still drank, I'd raise a glass or two to you Bob.
On a slightly different note, I've just walked in and heard on the radio that the various enquiries into the death of Princess Diana have cost us, the dear old taxpayer, about 30 million quid... Jesus Christ... couldn't someone have asked first... Personally, it's terrible what happened to her but SHE DIED IN A FUCKING CAR CRASH - GET OVER IT... I doubt if she was assassinated by MI5 or by the Royal Family. Thousands of people a year die in car crashes but we don't have to pay for the enquiries do we... The whole business of Diana's death, or rather its aftermath, just won't seem to go away. I remember watching her funeral and looking at all the sad fuckers lining the route and thinking 'Hold on, did any of you actually ever meet her'... No... I didn't think so... Why the obsession with a figure you have never met nor would have ever met (well, unless you had AIDS and she was in need of a photo opportunity...) why don't people live their own lives and stop obsessing about others around them, especially people who have no direct effect on them one way or the other... Jesus...
Right, just a quick word about films...
I've just got back from seeing THE COTTAGE... (shite, in my humble opinion...) also I've recently seen;
VANTAGE POINT - not bad but too complicated and too underdeveloped.
THERE WILL BE BLOOD - good but, Christ did the critics get carried away...
10,000 B.C. - A bit like One Million Years B.C. meets Quest for Fire and Apocolypto but basically pretty awful.
THE BANK JOB - not as bad as I expected.
THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL - Quite an achievement by the writer and director, they actually managed to make Eric Bana look boring...film is o.k. but, in my humble opinion, does nothing to convince me that Scarlett Johanssen could act her way out of a sub-standard episode of Neighbours...
UNTRACEABLE - Good idea but it wanted too badly to be SAW or SEVEN.
Right, there you go, a rant and some capsule film reviews...
See you next time I'm pissed off (so, about twenty minutes from now then...)