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I was trying to come up with a clever intellectual title for this page but then thought bollocks, if people wanted clever intellectual stuff they'd be reading Bret Easton Ellis (I don't fucking think...)
Anyway, this is me speaking to you, direct (well, sort of).
Want to ask me something? Click here.
Well, it's that time of year again and no, I don't mean the time when the fucking Z Factor finishes, Strictly Come Dancing ends and there's no more I'm a Celebrity Get me out of Here...I mean Xmas...
That time when the shops are stuffed with all the things you associate with this time of year, namely, enough chocolate to put most of the countries diabetics into a coma, calendars for next year so we can all see in advance what another shit year is on the way, clothes that none of us can afford, games the kids want and, of course, celebrity autobiographies. Yo, ho fucking ho. Now before anyone jumps in and says I'm a miserable fucker (which may or may not be true) or that I'm scrooge re-incarnated (can you re-incarnate a character who never existed....answers on a postcard...) that's not true, I'm just making an observation.
JESUS...WE INTERRUPT THIS RANT TO BRING YOU SOME NEWS...
I've just been watching the ITV news and have just heard about that Facebook campaign to keep the X Factor winner off the number one spot by downloading a Rage Against the Machine Track instead....Fucking brilliant....Some of you have obviously already joined but many may not know about it. It's called Fuck the X Factor and you have to pay 29p (I think...my daughter was showing me last night) to download the track in the hope of keeping that simpering little twat that won the Z factor off the top. My faith in humanity (well a small part of it anyway..) is restored. I know we're all still outnumbered by the sheep like masses who think that HELLO is the new Bible and that ITV 2 is actually a television channel and not just an open sewer where celebrities spew out their bullshit but fuck it, there are some other resistance fighters out there who hate the mediocre shit that passes for everyday life as much as I do. I salute you. Whoever started this campaign you are a fucking hero. We should all unite and fight these celebrity wankers. Wow, I'm actually enthusiastic about something for the first time in Christ knows how long.
Right, sorry about that, back to the rant....
People have are always saying to me "oh, Shaun you're unfair/cruel/harsh/judgemental" to which I say "Fuck off". No, actually I say that any comments I make are merely an observation (or, most of the time, cast iron facts). For instance, not being known for my political correctness, if I notice someone on TV or in the paper who is ugly (alright I know it's pot and kettle but what the hell...) I tend to mention it. For instance, "Christ, look at that ugly bastard." We've all done it. Someone overweight might incur the comment "Fuck me, what a fat cunt." This isn't said maliciously. It's a statement of fact. I'm sure people have looked at me and thought "skinny, four eyed little twat." Fair enough. That's their opinion. They're making an observation.
I think you get my drift. I see something and I tend to comment. "The X Factor is shit." It's an observation, right? It is also a statement of fact having said that. There is too much emphasis on celebrity culture. Observation and also statement of fact. I don't know where you make the distinction and to be honest, I don't fucking care. This country is meant to be one of free speech but we all know that's bollocks. You can say what you like as long as it's the same as the rest of the herd. You can be outspoken as long as you don't offend anyone! Christ, isn't the whole point of free speech to challenge ideas and popular beliefs? Oops sorry, nearly fell off my soap-box there...
Recently, they had a referendum in Switzerland asking the public if they wanted mosques and minarets built in their cities. The Swiss said no. Were they being offensive to Muslims? Were they acting like Nazis as some of the media said? No they fucking weren't. It's a Christian country and they don't want mosques in it. Fair enough. How many cathedrals do you see in Baghdad? None, because it's Muslim. It's their country (well, what's left of it) so they have mosques. We have churches because we're Christian. The Swiss have churches. That's free speech in action. It isn't the Nazis making a comeback. No one goose stepped through Vienna in a black uniform offering to wipe out an entire race (and offering very reasonable prices for house painting...) People were asked for their opinion and they gave it. Simple as that.
Everyone is terrified to say what they think these days and they shouldn't be. If someone reads one of my books and thinks it's shit then they've got every right to say that (and frequently do). If I think that Chris Evans is a ginger twat, that Ant and Dec are nobheads and that Cheryl Cole is a talent less sack of overexposed shit then I should have the right to say so. We all should. However, our celebrity worshipping culture doesn't allow this. It wants celebs to be untouchable (which they are they're so insulated by their fucking fortunes and the brown nosers who surround them). It doesn't want dissenting voices. And unfortunately, with the barrage of bullshit on TV, magazines and in the papers, it works. No one criticises these fuckers. No one raises questions about their questionable talent and huge salaries. Why? Because no one gives a shit that's why. And that was how I was going to end this piece until I heard about that campaign to keep the X Factor winner off the top.
Good luck with it people....I for one will be downloading that track (well, getting my daughter to download it, I don't know how). However, if you wanted a song that really pissed people off, what's wrong with SO WHAT? By the Anti-Nowhere League (covered by Metallica on the Garage Inc. album...). Now there's some lyrics....check them out if you don't know them. It must be on You Tube, everything else is...
See you next time...
p.s. Limp, lifeless, straw-like and dull drones Greedy Tweedy in that fucking shampoo commercial she does....Not nice of her talking about the other four members of Girls Aloud like that...
As many of you know, I think that the series SOUTH PARK is without doubt the most brilliant and hilarious programme on TV and its creators, Matt Stone and Trey Parker are, to my mind, the closest things to genius working in any medium at the moment. They are probably the closest things I've got to heroes as mine are now sadly dead (Bill Hicks and Sam Peckinpah). Now I know you're probably thinking, what the fuck is wrong with Shaun, he'd normally have slagged off twenty people by now...Well, the reason I mentioned SOUTH PARK is because there's one episode where Cartman thinks he's lost his sense of humour and, to be honest folks, I think I've lost mine...I've also lost the ability to look at many issues dispassionately. I cannot even think about things like our appalling celebrity obsessed culture without becoming enraged. I know that's given you guys some laughs in the past but apparently, my honesty isn't appreciated by all. So, I'd like to present a new style rant. Let me know what you think;
Hi folks, hope everyone is well and looking forward to Xmas. I went to the pictures recently and sat behind some youngsters who talked all the way through the film, still, that's up to them I suppose. I then drove home and narrowly avoided an accident with a rather thoughtless man who forgot to indicate at a roundabout. He probably had lots on his mind though.
When I got home I picked up the latest Radio Times to find that there were pictures of a girl singing group on the front. One of them in particular seems to be everywhere at the moment, selling shampoo, making records and being a judge on a talent show. This talent show helps people who want to sing to become big stars and the whole country loves it. That and programmes about people in the jungle or learning to dance. I did think there were rather a lot of reality TV shows on at the moment but its all fun isn't it?
There were some pictures in the paper of a young woman who is married to a footballer and they've just had a baby. Apparently they'll make about 5,000,000 pounds from selling pictures of their child and from the clothing lines that the mother is putting her name too. Still, they looked a nice enough couple and I hope they continue to be happy despite the intrusion of the naughty old newspapers. I can't understand why the papers keep pestering people on TV. I mean, they have lives too and they need plenty of time to sell us perfume, supermarkets and other stuff as well as acting and doing whatever else it is they do. It must be a real strain for them and I'm not surprised they get annoyed when people want to take their pictures.
Getting back to the pictures, I also saw the latest film in a series about vampires and werewolves. Apparently it's really popular with everyone in the world and the writer is apparently a genius. I was a bit surprised to find the cinema packed at quarter to twelve on a Friday morning but I'm sure most of the teenage girls in the cinema must have been feeling ill and that was why they were off school to watch the film. They all screamed with delight when one of the characters took off his shirt. It was jolly good fun. I came out of that film and went to look for the books to see if they were as good as everyone else in the world had told me. I went into W.H. Smith but they'd sold out and only had books by celebrities left. I didn't know whether to buy one by a young singer or a TV chef. There was a fine selection and someone told me that they actually used to sell books by real writers years ago, you know, people who know how to create stories, characters and plots. However, there was no more call for these because people didn't want to have to think too much while reading. Anyway, I made my way home and watched some more TV then I went to bed.
If anyone prefers that kind of rant then let me know. A translation will probably be available next time around.
How do you guys solve arguments? Do you express your opinions and allow the other person to do the same? You might have a few cross words and raise your voices but do you tend to respect people more if they say what they think? I would really like to know because it seems I'm appallingly out of touch in thinking confrontation is a good thing. Still, what the fuck do I know?
And just in case anyone was wondering, I think this business with Tiger Woods is fucking hilarious....He shot up in my estimation (he shot up in quite a few other places too if you believe some of the papers...) Anyway...I'm off before I offend anyone...
What the fuck is going on?
Did I miss a meeting? Was there some kind of referendum that no fucker told me about in which it was agreed that every newspaper, magazine and TV station had to ensure blanket coverage of The X Factor and give Cheryl fucking Cole as much air time as possible?
That particular talent free sack of shit 'performed' her new single on TV on Sunday night, miming naturally like all of these manufactured twats do. The following day many newspapers carried this as front-page news. FRONT FUCKING PAGE. A singer (and I use the term very loosely) had performed a song and this was front-page news! That's the same principal as giving a standing ovation to a plumber for fixing a leaky tap, getting a doctor to do a lap of honour because he's written a prescription or praising a Burger King employee for handing over a bag of fries! The useless slag did the job she gets paid monstrously well for and she got congratulated on it. What the fuck is happening? I wrote five pages yesterday but did the Sun turn up to take my picture, did they fuck?
What is the obsession with this lowbred Geordie tart? You can't turn on your fucking TV without seeing her. This is meant to be a country of free speech (ha, ha, ha, ha...) if I choose not to see that preening whore then I shouldn't have to. I don't want to hear or see her trying to sell shampoo or face cream either so fuck off. The same goes for all the other no marks like her. I don't want to see the fuckers on TV, I don't want to see them at the pictures, I don't want to hear them selling me things I don't need.
Ant and Dec are now flogging the Nintendo Wi and DS. As if it's not bad enough having the stunted Geordie half-wits around anyway, now Nintendo fear no one will buy a Wii or DS unless they're advertising it. Same with most other adverts. Why do we have to have so-called celebrities telling us where to shop, what to buy and what to wear? These jobs should be done by up and coming models, actors and actresses who are struggling to make a living, not by vastly overpaid cunts who don't need the extra cash. Most of the voice overs are done by these bastards too. A multi-millionaire from Dragons Den tells us all in one advert that we all need to watch the pennies now. You don't you cunt, you're a fucking millionaire... Don't insult my intelligence by trying to make me think that you're struggling. Real people are struggling, not celebrities. I don't give a fuck if Richard Hammond shops at Morrisons. The only person to have made a career out of a fucking car crash! Jesus Christ...
We're about to be inundated with pictures, stories and books etc. etc. when Wayne Rooney's other half drops their mewling cabbage into the world in the next few days. Wait for the clothing line, pregnancy diary and TV shows to follow as they rake in more cash. This has got to stop. This celebrity obsession shows no sign of stopping and in today's paper I read something I find genuinely disturbing. Publishers are approaching celebrities to get them to write novels. Let's look at that again shall we?
Publishers are approaching celebrities.
APPROACHING. Not passing judgement on books these fuckers have already written but going to them with huge advances in hand and asking them to have novels ghost-written for them. Those approached include Coleen Nolan, Martine McCutcheon, Ulrika Jonson and Fern Britton. This is on the back of the success of the dog shit pedalled by Jordan over the last few years.
Nearly every publisher is cutting authors advances, looking for excuses to rip up contracts and not taking on new writers and yet now we hear this news. Cherie Blair was paid over a million for a book that barely sold five thousand copies in hardback but, because the serialisation rights were sold to a paper the publishers called it a success. Give me a fucking break.
These fucking people will never be writers. Jordan might have had four or five books published but she will never ever be a writer and neither will any of the other overpaid cunts who appear on TV, radio or in Hello and then get stuff in print. By the way, before anyone says this is sour grapes on my part, let's remember I've had over 60 books published so I'm not speaking as someone who is desperate to get published. What this must feel like to someone who is trying to get published I can only imagine. To think that your novel, that you've slaved over and created with your own talent will never be published because there is a celebrity waiting to foist their ghost-written dogshit on the world and who will take preference must be soul destroying.
The thing is, these celebrity books suit publishers too because they have ready made publicity and also, as most publishers spend their time with their heads up authors arses, it's easier to fawn to someone perceived to be a celebrity. And, ultimately, you have to blame the publishers. If they ignored these fuckers and concentrated on finding genuine writing talent among the thousands of real people trying to get published then the book business would be in a much better state but that will never happen, I'm afraid. Authors, agents and even publishers are going under by the week and yet the big names still find millions to give to twats who don't even deserve to fucking live let alone to have their names in print.
I know people find my rants amusing and that's great but there is also a serious side to them (well, in as much as what I'm saying I mean passionately) and more often than not genuine concern about the appalling state this fucking world is in. This latest development with the celebrity book thing is as bad as anything I can remember in the book business.
The obsession with Cheryl Cole plus this latest celebrity outrage can only lead to one thing. Cheryl Cole being paid millions to write first her autobiography and then some novels. It is, my friends, only a matter of time.
The newspapers and the rest of the media were screaming the other day. IT'S A TRAGEGY. TERRIBLE OUTRAGE. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN.
It was obviously something earth shattering. More British soldiers needlessly killed in Afghanistan? Another nursery school teacher discovered as a paedophile? Was it something as important as this? Was it fuck. Leona Lewis punched by man at book signing.
Now I know this isn't the correct reaction but I fucking pissed myself. Mainly at the thought of Leona Lewis being able to string more than two sentences together but of course it wouldn't have been her anyway it would have been a ghost writer. Wow, what fun that must have been for the writer, transcribing Leona's memoirs.
Apparently the multi-talented X Factor winner was signing copies of her autobiography (yes, that's right, her autobiography, she is 24 fucking years old so it must be a really hefty tome) and, among the queues of sheep, sorry, people, lining up to have theirs scrawled in with a crayon, some bloke got his signed and then punched her in the face.
Had he already read it? Was it really as shit as we all thought it would be? Perhaps he was a critic or even more to the point, someone trying to get a book published... Talk about mountains out of fucking molehills. Get a fucking grip, Leona. There's got to be a way of avoiding this happening to a celebrity in the future, the papers howled. Yes, there is. STOP THE CUNTS WRITING FUCKING BOOKS! After my initial reaction of amusement I became deeply depressed thinking of who it could have been that was punched. How much more satisfying to think of Jordan getting smacked in the mouth by an irate punter (a fist must be one of the few things she hasn't had inside that oversized cavern of a trap of hers). How wonderful to imagine Cheryl Cole getting slapped (trust me that will be the next big Celebrity autobiography, bank on it) or Jonathan Ross being stabbed with a pitchfork as people decide to see sense where these twats are concerned. I was in a bookshop in Essex once not long after someone had thrown water at Jade Goody. Water? What was wrong with fucking battery acid? Some people have no imagination do they?
Here's an excerpt from Leona's autobiography in case you don't want to buy it:
Chapter One
I was born
Chapter Two
I went to school
Chapter Three
I won the X Factor
Chapter Four
I get fed up with having millions and whine to the media.
See you in volume Two.
Just in case any of you are thinking I'm being a bit harsh on dear little Leona I might add that I've all kinds of shit at signing sessions (when I used to do them) and, before anyone asks, yes I've been punched too! Way back when Slugs came out some bloke attacked me because he found it so offensive. I've had death threats (over Captives) and a number of..er..verbal moments with some punters. One bloke presented me with a book and the following conversation ensued:
ME; Do you want it signed to you?
BLOKE; No, it's for my missis. I think you're shit.
Do you know what that is? It's an occupational hazard. Just as me having the brass neck to ask some guy if he wanted a copy of SPAWN signed when it first came out...
ME; I'll sign that if you buy it.
BLOKE; Fuck off.
He then walked out of the shop. Here's another example;
ME; Is it to you?
WOMAN; Yeah, can you sign it from Shaun the ugly bastard.
ME; No problem. When I've finished why don't you shove it up your big fat arse and set fire to it you hideous skank. (Actually the last sentence is a lie but that's what I'd like to have said but you don't because that's how things work in this world)
ME; Would you like it signed to you?
OTHER WOMAN; Oh go on then. You're not very tall are you?
ME; I look taller in print.
You get my drift. That's just the way it is at signings. You take shit if it's dished out. End of story. Apparently J.K. Rowling (not known for her sense of humour) was signing one time and everyone without exception opened the book after it was signed and upon seeing the inscription exclaimed; 'Oh, J.K. Rowling.' A security guard, at the end of the day, seeing this and finding it amusing, asked for a copy to be signed for him and, when he opened it to see her name said; 'Oh, Pele,' She wasn't amused. He was reprimanded. What a miserable fucking bitch.
Back to the whining celebs briefly. More headlines for Stephen Gately. Anyone know when the lying in State is to take place? I'm sure the next Liverpool match will be held up while we have a minutes silence for his passing. A minutes silence for the rest of fucking Boyzone might be better, in fact, a lifetime of fucking silence would be preferable...
See you soon.
Hello, folks, it's me again with not so much a rant as an enquiry...
Alright, before everyone starts getting worried and thinks I've mellowed it's not that but I've just finished reading an article in The Daily Mail (yeah, I know, a right wing piece of middle class shit but forget that for now...) about Internet pornography. Now maybe I'm a bit too old for this shit, a bit too cynical (as if...) and a bit too hardened to some things to get easily worked up (yeah, alright...) but...according to this woman, internet porn is "dangerous, vile, disgusting, perverted..." and quite possibly the biggest single threat to mankind since the invention of the atomic bomb or the discovery of fucking Swine Flu.
Marriages are falling apart everywhere because blokes are looking at internet porn apparently. Not because the families are struggling through the recession, one of the partners is having a bit on the side or money is an issue. Oh, no, none of that, it's down to internet porn. There are interviews with women who discovered their husbands were spending thousands a month on porn and went ballistic. Quite right too, I say, why didn't the dozy fuckers find a free site like the rest of us...They feel betrayed by their husbands who are having 'cyber-affairs' with gorgeous blonde porn models (stop reading when this gets too fucking ridiculous but I'm just telling you what I read...). The blokes are disgusted with themselves and want to die...(not joking..), it's more dangerous than cocaine apparently a porn addiction...
Er....now did I miss something and am I beyond help and I'm looking for the ladies to help me here. If you came home and found your other half watching porn would you immediately divorce/leave/castrate/kill him? I'm thinking in the vast majority of cases the answer would be no, am I right? (I'm not, oh, fuck...). But seriously, I would love to know if some of my lady readers out there feel so strongly about this subject.
I'll admit I have a bit of a dabble with internet porn, who doesn't if they're honest (there's a very funny Mitchell and Webb sketch about two guys who work at home discussing the distractions of internet porn..) have a look every now and then if they're bored?
If the answer to that is absolutely no one the obviously (I just typed nobviously before that which a psychiatrist would say is a telling giveaway about my fucked up state of mind... "see, he's equating everything with sex..it's Freudian...") It's just that this subject fascinates me on so many levels (oops, sorry, sounded a bit pretentious there for a second...).
I once had the pleasure of knowing a very ,very attractive young lady who loved porn, several other women I know watch porn movies either alone or with their other halves and I once met a girl who had acted very happily in porn movies for about five years in the States and made a very good living thank you very much. I know you'll say these are isolated cases but I'm not so sure they are.
Am I right in assuming that the woman in the Daily Mail has overreacted slightly? To brutally honest with you, in the course of research I've spent many days at a time viewing internet porn (yes, Shaun, of course it was research, you wanker...) and must say, I enjoyed every minute of it! Sorry....As the late great Bill Hicks would have said "I love pornography." As long as no one is getting hurt (literally) and everyone's getting paid then where is the fucking problem?
I don't agree with the stuff that shows girls being raped or abused and boasts about how young the girls are in some of the videos and I don't like the fact that kids can get easy access to it (but that's the fault of the bloody internet not porn itself..they can buy booze but no one's talking about banning off-licences are they?) but, let's get a bit of perspective here shall we? Girls like Jenna Jameson are an industry in the states, they earn fortunes and it's the girls who get the big bucks (no, that isn't designed to be rhymed with something..) not the blokes...I have seen girls like Brea Bennett, Jenna Haze, Ashlynn Brooke, Brook Banner and many others "performing" on the internet and unless I'm very naïve, these girls don't seem to be exploited helpless little creatures (but maybe it's me who's naïve..) and, with all due respect, I don't think their acting abilities are so brilliant that they can fake enjoyment all the time...
Having watched some of these girls I am also well aware that I'm not having an affair with any of them (something that blokes who watch internet porn apparently seem to think...). Trust me, I would be much happier having an affair with a real woman if I was that way inclined..(or was better looking...ha, ha,..) but, to be serious again, if any bloke says they've never dabbled with internet porn then good for them but I don't believe them. Any woman who threatens her husband with divorce because he's watched some internet porn I think is being a bit unreasonable. However, as I said, if any of my lady readers out there would like to tell me I'm wrong then I will be only too happy to listen..
Supposedly, men who watch porn do so because they hate women (real women...). What complete bollocks. Do women who watch gay porn hate men? Do women who go to watch male strippers do it because they hate them and want to ridicule them? Go on ladies let me know...I suspect the answer is no but what the fuck do I know.
I tell you what I find pornographic, that no-marks like Jordan, Cheryl Cole and any number of so-called 'celebrities' can appear on TV or in the shit mags like Hello or in shit papers like The Sun dressed in next to nothing and get complimented on their 'sexy' appearance while girls who do it for real on film get slagged off for being cheap and nasty...So that makes Jordan respectable and a good role model does it? Every aspect of life uses sex to sell stuff, the advertising business would collapse if it couldn't sex as a marketing tool so maybe the do-gooders should just rein their fucking necks in a bit before having a go at porn...Let me know if you agree.
Must just end on a different note or you'll all think I've gone soft (probably the wrong choice of words after the preceding bit..).. Isn't Amanda Holden a fucking irritating bitch? Useless tart. Makes the front pages years ago for marrying fucking Les Dennis and now, apparently, she's a huge star. Mind you, so is Mylene Klass. What a fucking waste of space...I hate that useless cow and you can't turn on your TV without seeing her...
There you go, just thought I'd end on a lighter note...
I'm writing this about three days after the death of Michael Jackson and no, contrary to what many of you might be expecting, I'm not going to start laying into him or being a talent less, overpaid piece of shit because, in my humble opinion, he wasn't. There you go, how's that? I think he was one of the very, very few people in showbiz who have deserved the title of Superstar. That's not to say I agree with everything that's been written about him since his death, that wouldn't be me would it?
A genius on a level with Mozart?....er...well..that might be pushing it a bit. And the outpouring of public grief has been a bit over the top, almost as pathetic as the bullshit when Diana got wrapped around that underpass in Paris back in 1999. However, what I will say is that Michael Jackson was probably more deserving of that kind of public adoration than Lady Diana was. After all, his music meant a lot to many people while Diana was little more than a clothes horse who manipulated the press for her own ends, made Prince Charles look like a twat and shook hands with lots of AIDS patients.
Michael Jackson was an incredibly talented guy who, I have to say, I think had a slightly unhealthy interest in teenage boys but...and it's a big but, I think was genuinely so child-like in his thoughts that he didn't think there was anything wrong with getting into bed with them...Not the most popular notion ever I'll admit but no one, I repeat, no one especially not the fuckers who are coming out of the woodwork now with books about him, knew what went on in his mind, did they. I re-watched the interview he did with Martin Bashir (the same twat who interviewed Lady Diana if you remember rightly but only because, when she was wrecking Will Carling's marriage, Carling was friends with Bashir and that was how the useless cunt got the interview...) and felt incredibly sorry for Michael Jackson (or as sorry as you can for a bloke with fifty million). A very misunderstood and ultimately sad figure I'd say. Unfortunately I can't look at him now without thinking about that particularly wonderful episode of the magnificent SOUTH PARK featuring him as Mr Jefferson. Check it out if you can as further proof that the series is a work of genius. But, back to Michael Jackson and his legacy (another word that's become popular with so-called celebrities these days. They want to leave a legacy. Er...well, what you'll leave is your fucking face on the pages of shit magazines like Hello and nothing more because you gave nothing to this world (does that count you talent free waste of space?)
The river of shit or heartfelt tributes dependent on your point of view that has spewed forth from a regiment of far less talented nobheads regarding Michael Jackson's effect on their lives has been as nauseating as expected. Every fucking so called celebrity in the world has been saying how much he influenced them and how much he'll be missed, like the rest of us give a fuck. They all put their tributes on this thing called Twitter apparently. The latest networking phenomenon where people who are incapable of holding conversations face to face write down bullshit so other similarly sad fuckers can read it. What a bunch of cunts. I noticed too that Gordon Brown and David Cameron also added their tributes....do me a favour...They'd be back slapping the Yorkshire Ripper if they thought it was worth a couple of votes.
On the subject of politicians, why is everyone so up in arms about the MP's expenses issue? MP's have been telling lies about their expenses...oh, no, and there was me thinking that politicians were upstanding, honest and caring people. Fucking hell, my world has collapsed. I wouldn't believe a politician if he told me my own fucking name....they are lying, backstabbing, deceitful fuckers, the lot of them but now suddenly everyone's shocked because they've lied about their expenses...Jesus, get a fucking grip. It might also come as a terrible shock to some people to discover that bears shit in the woods, Hitler was a touch right wing in his views and, most shocking of all, the Pope is Catholic....I saw the Daily Mail predicting that there will be riots in the streets because of this. In your dreams, people are so apathetic these days they wouldn't riot about anything...No one gives a fuck.
Close down Wimbledon before Andy Murray's next match and a few people might get the hump but that's about it. I saw some of the...ahem...tennis fans the other day on TV with their faces painted in Scottish colours or Union Jacks...what dicks. These people aren't tennis fans, they're Wimbledon fans or Murray fans. Just as they used to be Henman fans. It's trendy. Just like it's trendy to go to Glastonbury. If I hear any other twat on Radio One telling me I don't know what I missed I'll travel to Broadcasting house and burn it down personally.
Nothing about outdoor festivals is fun apart from the music. I know, I went to Donington every fucking year for about twelve years but I was fortunate enough to have a backstage pass so didn't have to eat undercooked, overpriced food and share a toilet with 50,000 other people or camp out afterwards. So when Jo Whiley tells me how 'cool' it is, excuse me if I tell her to fuck herself. It's somewhere else to 'be seen'. Why don't people try living their own lives for once instead of attempting to stick with the herd mentality? Do what you want to do, not what every other cunt thinks you should do.
No wonder the late, great and sadly missed Bill Hicks used to pray for nuclear holocaust every time he looked at the state of society. If he'd have been here now he'd have topped himself....and I don't fucking blame him...
Just one more thing before I crawl back under my stone. Am I the only one who still rents DVD's from Blockbuster? If so, am I the only one who consistently gets discs that are so dirty, damaged and covered in scratches that they're almost impossible to play? I rented out MARTYRS last night on the recommendation of someone who'd written to the site. Jesus...about twelve minutes in the fucking thing started pixallating because it was so filthy (I should have been worried when the readout on the screen upon insertion of the disc read; THE DISC IS DIRTY - CANNOT PLAY DISC).
I was talking to the guys in the shop and they said that they've had discs back with teeth marks in! Also with marks made by high heels, cat claws and a couple with people's initials carved into them...What the fuck kind of morons did this? Is this world so fucked up that no one cares about anything that isn't theirs? Anything that has to be used by other people? I would find these bastards and personally ram DVD players up their arses if I could. Fucking halfwits. I suppose it's all back to my usual rant about manners isn't it? I know I'm old fashioned but for fuck's sake...I bet they're the same bastards who stand at the end of cinema rows waiting for people to telepathically read their thoughts instead of just asking if it's ok to get through...
Oh, on a related Cinema note and just to prove that I'm a complete and irredeemable pervert with a foot fetish...(which you all knew anyway). I went to see BRUNO the other day and, yes, it was shit but the tedium was lessened a bit by the fact that a really attractive girl was sitting down the front, about two rows from me with her bare feet on the rail at the front allowing everyone a good view of her perfectly pedicured feet. I know we've had this in another rant and quite a few of you mentioned my obsession with feet so just thought I'd let you know I'm not getting better. Does anyone share this interest by the way? (Oops, sorry...maybe I should stick to ranting)
Anyway, I'll be back next time. Look after yourselves and watch out for dickheads. They're everywhere.....
Right, hands up who's got Swine Flu?
Fuck me, talk about scare mongering. I can't believe the media frenzy that's greeted this latest outbreak of sniffles. Anyone remember Asian flu? Or bird Flu? Weren't they supposed to be the bringers of doom, the things that were going to wipe out the world's population and, unless I'm mistaken, we all survived that little bit of hype but now, we have Swine Flu...(do you have to kiss pigs to get it, I'm not sure...)
So, what happens, within hours shops are selling out of surgical masks, people are ringing into news programmes asking if it's safe to go to work, will there be time for individual burials or will we all have to get slung into mass graves (I saw that one on TV last night..) What the fuck is wrong with people...Let's have a bit of perspective on this shall we? If victims were going down in their thousands every hour then I might think it a bit of a concern but...er...a couple of people come back from Mexico with the sniffles...hardly the fucking black death is it? Now, if someone had gone down with the Ebola virus that's a different matter. A disease that liquefies your internal organs, now that's a fucking disease...
As I write this only about 150 people have died in the country where it supposedly started, in Mexico and I'm sure more people than that die in Mexico city every day from shortness of breath (the most heavily populated and polluted city in the world, the air is so bad it's like being on 40 a day if you're a non smoker...lovely..) Some frightened member of the public (or panicking dickhead dependent on your viewpoint) rang a news programme the other day to suggest that anyone arriving from Mexico should be quarantined...Great idea, Einstein. Maybe everyone with the shits returning from Spain should be locked up or anyone returning from Canada with a cold should be monitored. I can't remember anything getting out of hand quite so quick as this as far as media and public overreaction (well, unless you count the stories about Cheryl Cole being a talented and wonderful woman, now there's a poison that should be wiped out...)
In a month's time I could be writing this and half the country could be dead (I might be sitting here sniffing a bit myself...) in which case I'll admit I was wrong, but in the meantime, I reckon this is about as serious as a wrist sprain...Remember years ago when we were told in a years time you'll all know someone with AIDS...to this day I don't know anyone with fucking AIDS, how about you lot...(I mean do you know anyone, not have you got it...)
Still, Swine Flu keeps Jonathan Ross off the front page so it can't be all bad. Now, if that fat cunt was to catch it then that might be news...oh, no, it wouldn't because it's really not fatal...still, I live in hope.
Another earth shattering bit of news I heard the other day is that apparently, Miley Cyrus is one of the 100 most influential people in the world...er...right...Now who voted I don't know...( Readers of Heat, Bliss, Ok and Hello probably) it's probably true because the late Jade Goody once occupied a spot in that list as well....Is Miley to follow Jade to an early grave....? But anyway...Miley fucking Cyrus...spawn of Billy "achy breaky heart" Cyrus...sister of some little twat called Trace Cyrus (what happened to proper names..) in a band (sorry, I just started laughing at that when I saw it in print, band...fucking hell..) called Metro Station...(I know all this shit by the way because I've got a teenage daughter and, as those of you with teenagers will know, you tend to pick up useless shit like that from being around them...) A girl who likes to "rock out"...er..sorry, Miley but if you heard real rock music you'd shit blood, you little rat.
This is the girl who posed for some raunchy pictures at 15...yes, fucking 15, below the age of consent...now that's the kind of role model we all want for our daughters isn't it?....On that subject, just what is considered a good role model these days? Some brain surgeon, an economist, an athlete...no, someone like Jordan or Kerry Catona because they appeal to the dumb, sheep-like masses who see that there's no need for talent to make a few quid. Would Miley Cyrus ever have made it without her old man? I doubt it. Would the Osbourne kids? Er...probably not...Peaches Geldof...or even, I see Princess Anne's fucking kid is now using her name and connections to secure "huge" endorsement deals. Talk about keep it in the fucking family...
Right, that's it, I'm off down the Chemists to get some Night Nurse (maybe they should change it to Swine Nurse) and Lemsip (Swinesip..?), a few body bags, some breathing apparatus and some surgical masks..cough, cough.....See you next time, I hope...
An inspiration? A shining light? A great example to us all of how to make shit loads of money from absolutely no talent at all?
I'm talking of course about Jade Goody but could be referring to just about anyone on the celeb circuit (I live in hope of the joint burial of Jordan and Peter Andre and I'm not fussy, the fuckers don't even have to be dead...). Actually, while we're at it, lets dig a mass grave and shunt all these fucking no marks into it. Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, Girls Aloud, Piers Morgan etc. etc.
Here's an excerpt from the tape of her autopsy;
First pathologist; "Look inside this skull. I told you."
Second pathologist; "Spot on. No fucking brain at all."
I saw some pictures in the paper of Jade's funeral with people lining the route of the photo opportunity er, sorry, the cortege, throwing flowers at the hearse just like they did when Lady Diana was planted. Which planet do these fucking people come from? Well, Planet OK, obviously. If they'd been throwing hand grenades I might have joined in...Oh, how terrible for her children, they wailed...did no one notice that Natasha Richardson had died a few days earlier, a woman with kids and also that thing so elusive these days, talent? Did she make the front pages on such a grand scale? Did she fuck. The poor cow goes skiing and collides with a tree AND FUCKING DIES...shit. Now I've always thought skiing was a stupid past time personally, paying all that money to get cold, fall over and break bones, you can get much the same effect as skiing at home by simply throwing yourself downstairs and dumping a tray of ice over your head.
Jade could have helped herself, she was told to go back for check-ups. Mind you, I suppose the reminders were written down so that fucked her up having to struggle through all those words...
I did have a chuckle at Madonna getting turned down for her latest adoption/publicity stunt. She was shaken apparently. Fuck me, Madge, the first kid you hijacked wasn't even an orphan. Why not just give a few million to the kids village then lots of people could benefit and not just the one you fancy carrying around like a fucking fashion accessory.
A mate of mine and his wife have been trying to adopt now for about two years but can't get a child. Do you reckon he'd have more chance if he was a multi-millionaire? Er...no, surely not...Madonna and Angelina Jolie got their kids because they were such brilliant parental material didn't they, nothing to do with the shit loads of cash they've got.
Did anyone see that series of programmes on Channel 4 about teenagers watching porn? No, well, I'll enlighten you. Apparently one third of all teenagers get their sex education off porn sites and the Government are horrified. A Baroness was interviewed (yes, a fucking Baroness, a representative of the upper classes, the most sexually fucked up group of people this country has ever produced, people who shag their relatives when not shooting servants) who was an official spokesman for the government and her verdict on this terrifying state of affairs; "It's the parents responsibility". Well, what a fucking surprise. It's basically anyone's responsibility other than the Government and Christ knows the government should know about porn, Jacqui Smith's old man claimed back the cost of his porn movies on her expenses which WE PAY FOR....Apparently, one of the role models for glamour these days is Jordan...I shit you not, apparently girls like looking like cheap prostitutes. So much money, so little class.
Am I the only one who thinks that a nuclear holocaust might not be such a bad thing?
Still, Jamie Oliver's wife had another kid, that cheers everyone up doesn't it? Another lisping mockney unleashed on the world..fuck me. I don't know how she had time to squeeze out another sprog what with writing her kids books and all that. She also said that eating healthily is nothing to do with money but then again I suppose when your fucking husband earns four million a year then money isn't a consideration is it? So, she's got kids books out, Gordon Ramsey's wife's got a cook book out, Gordon Brown's wife's got a book coming out, Cherie Blair wrote (and got paid one million pounds advance) her autobiography and John Prescott's wife is writing a book too. "Living with a fat cunt" I believe was the original title. Wayne Rooney's fucking wife has got her own TV show, Joe Cole's girlfriend was on I'M A CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE. Abigail Clancy (Peter Crouch's girlfriend) and Danielle Lloyd (just about anyone's girlfriend if they can kick a ball straight) are now models and have their own work out DVD's out. No wonder some girls see being a WAG as a career possibility...By the way, I reckon that WAG doesn't really stand for Wives and Girlfriends...How about Whores and Gold diggers? More apt and more to the point don't you think?
Right, that's it, I'm off to pray for an outbreak of bubonic plague at HELLO...and ITV2, and HEAT and, and...
Right, that's it. I can't restrain myself anymore.
As you all probably know due to being bombarded on the fucking radio, TV and at the pictures, it's Red Nose Day very soon (might have even happened by the time you read this), that annual time when overpaid, waste of space so-called celebrities call upon all us hard working mortals to give our money while they swan around soaking up publicity.
Several of life's biggest mistakes including Chris Moyles, Fearne Cotton and Cheryl Cole are climbing some fucking mountain for charity and the whole country it seems has been sucked in to thinking they're fucking saints....These pampered cunts are supposedly climbing Mount Kilimanjaro and we're supposed to be impressed. I'm surprised that fat cunt Moyles can even climb the fucking stairs let alone anything else. Fearne Cotton will have to be led up on account of her incredible stupidity she won't be able to tell up from down and Cheryl Tweedy or Cole whatever you fucking want to call her (I'll settle for talentless Geordie slag) will return to find that her worthless fucking husband has spent another night in the cells for having a run in with the paparazzi. But the point is, they'll all, after a few days of very mild discomfort, return to privileged and pampered lifestyles and soak up the adulation of the media. And for what? Have they cured cancer? Helped world peace? Have they fuck. They've enjoyed a brief holiday before returning to their everyday massively well paid jobs. No worries about the credit crunch for them. No fears of repossession or loss of earnings or jobs. Fuck them all and what they stand for and, if people agree with them then fuck them too. I accidentally heard some fucking nobhead on the radio (a member of the public) say how moved he was by what they were doing...Jesus fucking Christ...what is wrong with people. Can no one see through this bullshit anymore. Moved! Why? If each of them gave a third of their hugely inflated yearly earnings then they could clear the third World debt, never mind buy some goats and a fucking well for a handful of Africans somewhere. And hopefully, this year, Lenny Henry will leave Dawn French at home if he visits Africa. I would have thought the last thing you want to see if you're starving to death is a woman who looks as if she eats 18 meals a fucking day.
No doubt some of you are wondering (or probably not) how I'm reacting to the news that Jade Goody is dying. Well, I wouldn't wish that on anyone but I won't lose any fucking sleep over it. There are thousands of people dying of cancer in this country as we speak and will they all be able to sell their stories so their families are left with no financial worries when they're gone? No chance.
So, we've had the photos of the wedding and the photos of the christening sold for a fortune to HELLO or OK. What next? Jade takes a dump photo exclusive? Apparently someone sneaked into her room carrying a hammer (weird how this happened just when the time for publicity is most apt..) maybe that'll be the next photo spread. So, when the terrible day finally comes when she shuffles off the coil of paparazzi flashbulbs (and I for one would not be surprised if a "miracle" recovery happened), will there be a lying in state held at the offices of HEAT magazine with thousands of Z list no-marks shuffling by and millions of would be Big Brother contestants all paying their respects to one of the ultimate symbols of not having to have one scrap of fucking talent to make shitloads of money? There'll be pullouts in the Sun, the Mirror and the Star that will rival the coverage of 9/11. The funeral will probably be live on Sky pay per view and millions will sob and wail at how she'll be missed and how much she impacted on their lives...God help us...
I just wish that some of these other so-called celebrities would take a leaf out of her book and fucking die too...
I've just got back from seeing WATCHMEN...fucking hell...if I was a fifteen year old boy I'd probably have loved it. The cinema was full of people who'd very obviously read the comic (yes, the comic, they aren't graphic novels, they're fucking comics) it was based on and who probably loved it. I thought it was horrendously long, pretentious, lacking any sense of humour, took itself far too seriously was poorly acted and directed and lumbered with a script that veered between ridiculous and boring. I accept suspension of disbelief in cinema but not suspension of intellect. No doubt people who like it will tell me I just didn't get it...sorry, I did get it and what I got stunk. It was of course directed by the "visionary" (the word of the marketing men, certainly not mine..) director Zack Snyder who also gave us that exercise in hype and overrated shite "300." If Mr Snyder is a visionary then I'm Joan of Arc...The critic in the Mail (himself a twat...) said that if Watchmen was a success then he feared for the future of the cinema. What an optimist...thinking the cinema has a fucking future! More prequels, sequels, remakes, comic book adaptations and updates...hardly a future to anticipate eagerly.....Mind you, GRAN TORINO is excellent (not the film I think the guy in the queue behind me was anticipating I fear, "I think it's based on a video game," I heard him say to his missis...that would be Grand Turismo you were thinking of you fucking dummy...)
Nice to see Clint Eastwood as an angry, pissed off guy bemoaning the state of the world....now I wonder why I identified with his character...?